I Don't Want to Leave You Behind

I haven't felt like writing in forever. Lots of stuff has changed over the last month. I guess I'll make this short and to the point. After having the tumor removed on my bladder we found out that it was indeed cancer that had spread. We were all discouraged by the fact that it had traveled. A month later, which was last Tuesday, I had another PET scan. The scan showed that even though the tumor had been removed, the spot still lit up on the scan. It was still there. Monday during my appointment the doctor told me that he was stalling because he had nothing else to give me. He told us that hopefully the chemo I am having can keep things from moving or at least keep it slow. My question was this, "Am I dying?" He said, "We all die at some point." So I rephrased the question, "Do you think I am dying sooner than later?" He told me that he didn't want to sit around and act like everything was fine. His answer, "Yes". The chemo can only hold cancer in a certain spot for so long. I cried when I heard him say it out loud. I have always known it was a possibility but never heard it come out of anyone's mouth. The last thing he said was, "I'm not God, just a doctor, but a miracle from him is the only thing that can change this."  So, each day, sick or not sick, is one more day that I get to spend with Allie Anne. I'm not afraid to die, just afraid of who I am leaving behind.

I get a card in the mail almost every single day. Thank you for all of the support.

The Horse on the Ranch :)

I have had the best week! Chemo went well and the side effects were gone within about 5 days.  Alan was out of town for 2 weeks and that was during the time when I found out the news about the other tumor, had to get a transfusion, and then had a treatment. Mom was with me during that whole week and helped me after chemo. Usually, some time late in the day while I am still having chemo, I am called in to see the doctor. I tote the machine with me and go and talk with him. Last week they called me about 2 hours after I started. That means I had just started my pre-meds which include a heavy dose of Benedryl and other things that go straight through my port into the heart and are spread quickly. It's almost a rush and within 3 minutes I am out. I opened my eyes and I was out of control. I stumbled in there and by the time we were done I had told him that his artwork was ugly and didn't match a thing in his office and then I said, "Well, If you like it that much take the horses on the ranch and hang it over your bed! No one wants to look at that ugly crap!" That was after I asked him why he always buttoned his shirt up to the top button..."Doesn't that cut your circulation off because it surely doesn't look comfortable or like you can breathe." Fortunately we have a close relationship and I heard that he thought it was funny. That is totally not me but I guess it was the medication that didn't have time to wear off. At the time I was as serious as could be. Glad I didn't get kicked out of the clinic. Everything about that week was awful.

I was really glad to have Alan home even though I enjoyed girl time so much! We talked about sad stuff and happy stuff. Not that I'm not sad enough, we decided to look up "Saddest movies of all times" and then we wrote down some choices and went to the video store. Guys don't understand this but sometimes when we are sad we do this stupid thing where we want to be sadder I guess. lol. Really? Why do we do that? Are all women crazy or something?  We are down and we just want to cry more. I had someone with me all of the time...especially at night. We actually had a bunkin party one night and watched movies and laughed about old times...it was such a treat. The BEST part was having a clean house...no socks, underwear, tshirts and jeans laying in the floor making me mad!

Alan has a personality of his own. He is very picky about what he eats, everything is plain, he does his own laundry because he like the way he does it better, and he's weird about drying his hands on a hand towel...at HOME. Weird thing is...our house could go 2 months without being cleaned and it would not bother him one bit. So,there was a spotless house when he came home from his trip. Day 1, underwear in the bathroom floor...ok, no big deal. Day 2...the same. Day 3 and 4, after they are piling up, I walked downstairs..."Alan is this a joke? Really? Can you not pick up your underwear and put them in the dirty clothes?" He said he didn't think so, which meant...here's the battle of hard headedness...no matter what, he will not do it just because a big deal was made of it. Goes on...Day 5, Day 6...and I mentioned that it was really about to make me furious! This is 6 days of boxers just piled up in the floor. So the next morning I walked in there and he had them lined up perfectly from wall to wall with the rug in the middle. I stepped over that for two days and he finally gave in and picked them up. Last night, I went down and said, "Thanks for finally giving in!" He was in the yard all day mowing and cleaning the porch off and all sorts of things. I went up there and there are those sweaty clothes, arranged nicely, hiding behind the door.. No Sir! I didn't say a word. I picked those things up, that had been out with him all day through all that sun and work, and stuffed them in his pillowcase rolled up in a ball. He was putting Allie to bed and I kind of forgot about it. I was almost asleep when he came in and got in bed. He jumped up..."ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Why would you do that crap, Summer? That's nasty, this is my pillow!" I just started bursting out laughing....YAY YAY...and the chemo patient wins again! He flipped over as hard as he could and went to sleep. I was so happy to be the winner of the hard headed game! There will be another round sometime soon I am sure. Those are such fun times that we always remember...I've even put salt in his bed after he put gum on the phone receiver. Lol

I scheduled chemo a day late because today is Allie's first soccer practice. I promised myself months ago that I would never let this sickness make me miss any of the important things in her life and so far I haven't. I always show up to the things that are special to her. I knew that if I did chemo today that there would be no way I would be able to see her tonight. I'll be off schedule for a while but I just want to be there for everything she does! There is no point in being here if I never get to see all the things that I enjoy in life.

Tomorrow is the day once again. I hope I don't act crazy to the doctor and knock a hole through the wall or push the computer off in the floor and rip the blinds down. :) Please pray for an easy week.

From the Beach to San Fransico

Today as I was getting a blood transfusion, I had a glimpse of what I feel like my last days will be like. I was curled up in a recliner and the only noise was coming from the pumping of the machine. In the tiny room Mom was to my left and she was sitting and reading. It was freezing and I was wrapped up in blankets with a hose under the covers that pumped warm air under the blankets. I fell in a deep sleep quickly because of the medicines that they gave me. The nurse woke me up when she came to check my vitals. After she left my mom came over and in a quiet voice said, "Are you ok? Do you want me to get you anything?" After I said no, barely awake, she leaned over and tucked my covers under my legs and pulled them up right under my chin to make sure everything felt just right for me. Then she sat back down quietly and watched for a few more minutes to make sure that I was content and then looked back down at her magazine. There was something about the quietness and about moms soft voice that made me feel safe. Out of nowhere, I started staring at her thinking that is how it would be when I got really really sick. She asked me what was wrong, because I'm sure I was looking funny, and I told her that I was just thinking. I don't think my time is today or tomorrow, but whenever it is, that's how I want it to be.

My last blog was about the surgery that I would have the following day. The doctor removed a tumor that was an inch in diameter along with some of the muscle tissue of the bladder. That was last Wednesday and we had an appointment to see him back the same Friday. I was completely miserable and ready to get in there to see him and move on. He came in and in a calm voice told us that the cancer had spread. The tumor in the bladder tested positive and the muscle tissue around it tested positive. This isn't a new cancer that started in the bladder, it is the same cancer that I started with in 2006. We walked out and my mind was just racing. I wasn't crying. I wasn't mad. I was just emotionless. We talked about it some and I got sad, but Alan always puts a spin on things that for some reason make it ok. A lot of what he says is just guessing but still it makes me feel better. I felt drained all weekend but was anxious to talk to my oncologist on Monday.

There were only about 5 people in his office when we got there. Usually there are close to 50 or 60 and I was so glad because I wanted to get this figured out and get on with it. Alan wasn't able to go so Mom was with me. He came right in and just hugged me. He slumped over on this stool with his hands over his face. He said, "I'm sorry, I just wasn't expecting this." I told him that this time I honestly thought i was going to catch a break. I thought that this one time it would come back negative. As he spoke, I just smiled and suddenly said, "I don't know why I am smiling, I guess because I don't know what else to do." As soon as those words came out of my mouth he said that I was strong and I was wonderful and one of a kind. Immediately my smile turned to sobbing. I said, "I'm fine, I just thought I was doing so good and now this. I didn't want this to be like this and now I am scared." We marked off my options...I've had 6 surgeries without positive results, had radiation, had almost a year of one chemo and an attempt at a pelvic exenteration. What's left? He asked if I would consider going back to MD Anderson or the Mayo Clinic. We chatted about it but I thought he meant for a fresh set of eyes to evaluate the situation again. It wasn't for that, it was for another attempt at the exenteration. My answer was "No, absolutely not." The surgery is no longer an option. Not now, not ever. The cancer spread into my abdomen wall so unless ever single cell of cancer was gone from those places the surgery would be pointless. My biggest fear would be going through all of that and being back where I started. So, after talking all of this over, I decided to stay on the same chemo for 6 months and see if anything changes or gets better. If not, I'm going to switch to different chemo drugs. I asked him what the next organ for the cancer to spread would be and he said probably my intestines. He said that we would try and find a way out of this mess we are in...not to give up on myself.

I am scared to death at this point. I even looked at papers today for a Living Will. It kind of creeped me out. Allie was doing ballet around the living room and I told her how beautiful she was. She came over and put her hands on my bald head and told me that I was the most beautiful mommy that she had ever seen. Then she said, "I love you so much that if anything happened to you, I would be so sad. I love you all the way from the beach to San Fransico...and that's A LOT." It was sad. I put a smile on my face every single day and laugh and play around but I am just dying on the inside!

Please know that the cards and facebook messages make my day. I know that so many times I don't respond but it really means the world to me. Thank you for your continued support and prayers for our family. :)

Another Surprise

Yesterday was the day. My alarm went off at 7:00 and I rushed out of bed. Alan was called into Allie's room at 2 am so I had to go wake him. "Alan....it's 7." Ten minutes later I tell him that it's 7:10. This goes on for about 20 more minutes. I was pacing the floor because it was the day for my tests once again. He gets in the shower just as slow as he can and stays FOREVER! Finally I went downstairs and turned the kitchen faucet on full blast hot water and went up to our bathroom and turned them both on hot too. I didn't want to nag him so I decided that maybe he would just run out of hot water. lol. We got to the doctor and I was told that it would just be a consultation but he decided to go ahead with the exam the same day. I didn't want to do it but was relieved about not having to worry with another morning of pacing around. So, long story short, he found a small tumor on my bladder and I am having surgery tomorrow morning to remove it. I just sat there like he was explaining to me how to get to the mall or something. I was surprised even though my PET scan picked up something little in that area. I will have it removed tomorrow and then they will be able to tell if it's more of the same cancer that has spread to that area or if it's nothing at all. I've convinced myself that it may be scar tissue from radiation but I guess he would've told me that if that's what it was. I probably wont get the results until a few days after the surgery. I will say that if this turns up as something I am just going to feel DONE! I don't really know how to explain what that means other than I'll want to check out from reality! I'll post when I know more. :'(

Memories Make It Better

Ok, in my defense I didn't get out of the doctor until almost 6:30. :) I'm kind of up in the air with my feelings right now. Everything looked pretty much the same as last time but an area either in or next to my bladder lit up on the scan. The report said that it was suggested to have the bladder examined. So, our next step is to set up the procedure with Baptist. The clinic was already closed at 6:00 but hopefully we can get it done as soon as possible. They will look to see if it's possibly nothing or if they can see lesions or tumors once they get in there. Let's pray my bladder had a mind of its own on Monday and that everything will be fine.  I don't think I will be fully satisfied until all of that is done and over! I'm trying not to panic until I know for sure.

Chemo brain is driving me crazy! The three of us took a little get away last weekend and every day there were several ridiculous moments. I'll highlight the top three. Saturday I woke up feeling pretty good and happy with myself. We all started getting dressed and Allie and I decided to have a race to see who could brush our teeth the fastest. Going fine....brusha brusha brusha and Alan walks in. "SUMMER, you are using my toothbrush!"  While I start gagging and am totally grossed out he is jabbering, "I mean, how did you not know....I mean, my toothbrush is blue and yours is lime green...I mean, mine has so and so grip and yours has so and so grip." Ok buddy...you haven't used anyones toothbrush, I just used yours so put a sock in it.  Seriously...who is the victim here?  I am hanging over the toilet gagging. I know some people think it's fine and dandy but not me. URRRP...sorry I just got sick thinking about it. lol.

That was nothing. Let's move on to Saturday night. Laying asleep in the middle of the night. Alan jumps up..."Summer...something warm just hit my back." He's up flipping on the light and running around and looking crazy. We had a king bed for all of us and apparently Allie got sick...right on Alan's back. I was so happy it wasn't me, lol, until what happened next. I peeled my eyelids off of my contacts only to find steak and corn throw up all in our bed. Ha ha. So that ended up being my part in this whole catastrophe. I jump up ripping off the sheets at 3 or 4 in the morning. Here's the best part. When I filled out my reservation I just said..."2 adults, King please." So in the middle of the night I called to the front desk..."Ummm...yes...can I have some clean sheets sent up to my room." Lady says "What do you mean clean sheets?" I don't understand why that was a question. What else could I mean? I said "I need clean sheets, a fitted and flat sheet, sent to our room." Lady: "Ooookay...? Do you need anything else?  Do you need pillow cases too?" So, I set the phone down to check them and came back and said, "Well, yes I need one. Well...wait a minute... let me see if there is anything on the other one. Yeah there is some on the other one too." We finally communicated and I hung up. OH MY GOSH! It was the middle of the night, I was half asleep and then realized I didn't tell her that my daughter was sick and it was all in the bed and that's why we needed sheets. I am very conservative and it was obvious after the fact that this lady thought something totally different was going on in room 235! I told the old man when he came to the door but of course Allie was passed out under the comforter so it looked like she didn't exist. I couldn't even sleep after that. How embarrassing? :)  :)

And last but not least, day three. We are on our way home and decide to go through a drive thru because we were starving. Allie wanted McDonald's and Alan hates McDonalds. I pulled my map up on my phone and found something for him and her right next to each other. So off we go. I'm giving directions telling Alan to take exit 39B or whatever it was. "Go left, take a right, blah blah blah." After all, it was right off the interstate so we could be in and out in no time at all. Ten minutes off of the exit we are still looking and turning and he's frustrated and I'm hollering..."It should be right here." It was only 1 mile after the exit and we had been driving more than 10 or 15 minutes looking for it. Alan said, "Just, just, just...just give me my phone! Don't talk, give me my phone. SUMMER, where are we? This is 10 miles out of the way." I was going back and forth with him telling him to look at my phone, my phone cant be wrong. After 5 or 6 MORE minutes, chemo moment, I realized I had my phone flipped upside down! Every turn to the left should have been to the right and so on. We ate our food quietly after that. lol

The point of all of that was to say those annoying "Chemo Brain" moments make me so happy today when I'm feeling kind of uncertain about things.

Please continue prayers until I can work through this procedure. Love you all!

Eggs Anyone?

So, where have I been in the last month and a half? Many of you have asked me that question and then I stand there looking crazy because I just don't have a clue. Time seems to fly but when I think back nothing exciting comes to mind. In my last post I mentioned adopting a little dog from the Humane Society. She was in horrible condition but I was ready to save her. She didn't feel well and liked sleeping and being a vegetable so I thought we had something in common. Well, I got her on Thursday, named her Ruthie and then she died on Saturday! I mean...REALLY? I chuckle a little now, not because she died...that's really sad, but because how in the world does this happen THREE times in a row!??!? Alan took her to the vet and came back and looked at me and said, "Ummm...Seriously Summer...no more dogs!" If you invite me over, get a sitter for your dog first..I somehow seem to have an effect on the well being of dogs.

Treatments are still going. Sometimes good and sometimes not so good. We still go every other Monday and every Sunday night I start getting that feeling of standing in front of ten thousand people and not knowing the speech I need to present. My stomach just turns thinking about it. The doctor talked to us last month about the follow steps of my treatment. He told us that he was thinking of three steps and step one would be really long. Step one being chemo every other week, probably for about another year. He didn't touch on the last two steps but I think one is going to be the recommendation of surgery again. That's just something I don't even want to consider at this point. I think about being on the exam table last time and being 30 seconds away from that surgery and the doctor just happened to take a biopsy in the exact right place that called the surgery off. What were the chances of that happening!? Had he of picked another spot to biopsy it probably would've been negative and my life would be changed forever because he would've gone ahead with it all. I feel like I had the chance for that and it wasn't meant to be. I have had several more blood transfusions and they seem to help but only for about a week. They help with muscle cramps, headaches, and the tiredness but as soon as chemo comes back around I'm back to the same ole blahness. I've noticed that it helps to look forward to small events or holidays. It gives me something to count down and I get excited about family and making dorky desserts and pretending like everything is SO exciting for Allie.  

I continue to be completely exhausted and sometimes I am okay with it and sometimes I want to bash my head through the wall! Allie still wants to play ALL of the time. I've finally figured out that playing vet or tornado are the easiest. In "Tornado" I pretend to be a tree that got knocked over and it seriously gives me about ten minutes to close my eyes and do nothing. In "Vet" I'm just a sick bird, dog, cat or elephant and do the same and if I'm not ready to get up I just pretend to have another illness. It's seemed to work so far. :) She'll figure out my tricks soon! She's growing so fast and I see myself so much in her...right down to her hard headed attitude.

 A couple of weeks ago I forgot to take one of my medications. About 9 pm, Alan and I decided to eat breakfast for dinner. He set off for the store and I played on the internet for a few minutes. When he got backed he yelled for me to do biscuits and he would do the eggs and bacon. So, off I went. I was starving and it looked soooo delicious. He fixed our plates and I got Allie's biscuit all ready. Allie and I set off for the dining room...I had her plate and mine (lots of eggs) and my bottle of Gatorade, of course. Apparently Alan yelled, "Did you get paper towels? SUMMER, Did you get paper towels!?" With no response he rounded the corner and saw me falling with eggs in action. Up went the plate and down came the eggs...all over me as I flopped around in the jelly and whatever else stuck to me. About 30 minutes later, I woke up in a chair with different clothes and Alan yelling, "SUMMER, DRINK THIS! DRINK THIS!" LOL. I wanted to punch him when I saw a bottle of Gatorade being forced in my face. I'm going to the doctor Thursday for that and I pray that we can get it all worked out. I think that may be the worst part of it all.

Type Delete Type

Lately it seems that I've tried to write and then I type and delete and type again and delete again. I feel like there is so much to share but it's a big jumbled mess in my mind and it's frustrating! The last time that I blogged I was going to the doctor to see if a physical exam would match the results of my previous PET scan. We got a bad scare that we weren't expecting! The doctor told us that he wasn't going to do a biopsy, just an exam. So, after the exam he went back on his word and said that he did feel something and that he needed to do 2 biopsies. He said that he had no idea what he was feeling because by looking at the scan, it shouldn't be there! So, I spent the weekend picking at my nails, picking toenail polish off of my toes, pulling out eyelashes and everything else i could get my hands on. The doctor finally called and the results were negative...the mass he was feeling was likely scar tissue. What a relief! So, now all of the doctors and all of the scans are matching and we are in business. There has been no talk whatsoever about ending treatment any time in the future.

My blood counts have remained down and it seems like going to the doctor is the only thing we do around here. Allie spends a lot of time at the doctor with us too and it seems to be such a normal thing for her. She has been going with me since she was born so it has just become part of life for her I guess. Lately I have become more and more discouraged with this whole mess. I feel like my whole life is being slept away. I have chemo one week and am sick and in bed almost the whole week. The following week is my "off" week, but with chemo, blood counts drop drastically the week after the chemo. So what that means is that I spend the week after chemo so tired that I can't function. And then....the process starts again...over and over.  I have tried so hard to stay positive and I believe for the last 4 years I have done a pretty good job! But...enough is enough...I am tired! Tired of being tired if that makes sense.  I've always enjoyed the beach and going to the pool in the summertime. It's one of Allie's favorite things to do but now being in the sun drains me. It just feels like one thing after the next.

Alan and I took a last minute trip to Branson last weekend and we had a really good time. It was nice not being on a schedule and not having any appointments to rush to or any phones ringing. My favorite part of the trip was eating peanut butter fudge for breakfast and the ice cream shop down the street. Allie just loves hotels so she was super excited just going somewhere.  We got home Sunday afternoon and I had to be at chemo on Monday morning. This is totally not me, but on the way there I just started bawling and told Alan that I just didn't want to do it anymore. Its not something you say or do for attention, not something you say for an answer, it's just something that comes out from being so aggravated and not having an answer for the way that you are feeling. Alan has always been super supportive but for some reason in the car that day I got so upset with what he said...maybe because it was the truth. He said, "Summer, you have to realize that this is your life now. It's not something you do when you want to and don't when you don't want to. Your attitude and feelings with everything have to adjust to this because you don't have a choice in the matter....This is your life." I just got so angry about it because I have never been the poor pitiful me person, but for a few seconds I was. I screamed, "YOU try feeling the way I do every single day and then see how YOUR feelings and attitude change!!" That was right at the moment that we pulled up at the door and I got out. After he parked the car and met me in the waiting room we were back to normal like nothing ever happened. I think I just needed to vent...it didn't change anything...but I felt a tad bit better. We never mentioned it again. :)

The following day we drove up to the Sherwood Humane Society and I adopted a dog. I'm not sure why she makes me feel better but she does. She's a dachshund and very old and wobbly....about 5 pounds, maybe 12 years old. She is way underweight and probably one of the ugliest dogs I have ever in my life seen! She was covered in fleas and had toenails longer than my fingers! Something about her made me want her....so here she is sleeping with her stinking breath blowing all over the place while I'm typing. :) She may have a year or so left but I want to make her happy until then. Who knows what her life has been like!

Thank you for the cards and prayers. It amazes me every time I check the mail and there is a card in there for me!

Grouchy :)

I haven't blogged in a while and several have texted and asked me if I packed up and moved to a different country or something.  It seems like nothing has changed but everything has changed! After receiving the best news ever, I celebrated and enjoyed every second of it for about two or three days. Afterwards, I got completely down and blah. It's that I am so excited knowing that these drugs are working and things are looking up, but for now it doesn't change the future. These drugs are basically maintaining things....holding off the enemy but not keeping it away for good.  I feel like there isn't a stopping point to look forward to. It's not 6 more treatments or 20 more treatments...it's forever for now and that's hard to swallow. Getting such good news and then realizing that my life goes on the same....doctor, then doctor, then doctor again. I tell my friends it's like having a full time job! I've had two more blood transfusions since my last blog and that just adds to the frustration of it all. I am so thankful that people give blood. Ive never really thought about it...just donating to be a nice person....but obviously many do it and not for money or any other benefits. I don't know where I would be if those people weren't out there!

I've noticed a slight change in my attitude over the last couple of weeks. I've always been pretty friendly with strangers and generally smile without thinking about it.  I'm always the one that lets people out in traffic, compliments the grocery checker at Walmart, and smiles and plays with little babies that wave at me. Lately....not so much. It's not even that I don't do those things anymore, its that i get frustrated at even the thought of it. I was behind a lady in the grocery store today and we were pushing our carts out the door. She was walking slow and I couldn't get around her...that was bad enough. Apparently it was her day off while she was there and on the way out she saw her co worker and said...."Roooooobert, hey!" For whatever reason, I wanted to start yelling at her and say..."Robert sees you everyday...why is it so important to call his name so he can see you shopping there?...MOVE. NOW....or you aren't going to have skin on the back of your heels. The people that I used to let out in traffic...I pretend I don't see them...and if i happen to let someone out and they don't wave I end up wanting to ram into the back of their vehicle. LOL.  I'm not crazy....I can just tell that I get irritated very easily. I normally don't show it on the outside, but the wheels are constantly turning on the inside!

Easter was great! Allie loved it and when she loves anything, it makes us love it too! When we were walking into church, I was watching her from behind and it reminded me so much of myself 30 years ago running in my grandmother's church just as carefree as I could be...not a worry in the world.  I would give anything for it to be that way again!

Prayer this week is that everything goes as expected at the doctor on Thursday.  I am going to UAMS for an exam and hopefully the doctor will not feel the tumor anymore. I'll know the answer to that right away but I'm also going to have a biopsy done and that will probably take about a week for results. I'll post when I get results.

PET Scan Update!

Well...I had chemo first and while I was asleep they called me up front to see the doctor. He came in and just sat staring at us. I said, "OK, Let's get to it! Tell me about the scan...I can't wait any longer!" He just stared at the paper and handed it to us. His phone rang and he walked out for a minute. The bottom line read "No evidence of local recurrence, metastasis, or other significant abnormalities identified." The doctor came back in and told us that he was on the phone with the doctor at the PET Imaging Clinic. He said that he wanted to talk to the doctor there to see who read the scan because he just couldn't believe what the results were. We couldn't believe it either. We all just sat there looking at each other. Four months ago I was sitting in the same chair crying because I have stage IV cancer that has no cure. Right now we are going to continue with the same schedule. Chemo every other week and another scan in three months. The scan doesn't mean that the cancer is totally gone, it means that the tumors are gone and there aren't enough cells there to show up on a scan. Last time I had a tumor the size of an egg on the scan. My doctor that did my surgery did a physical exam and could actually feel the tumor so we are going back to see him soon to do another exam. We just pray that his exam matches the scan....that he cant feel it because its not there! Overall, I know that I'm not totally cured, but I can rest knowing that things seem to be getting better! My dear friend Brad sent me a text this afternoon that said, "There's not a cloud in the sky today, Summer. Gray skies are clearing up." I loved it. :) Thank you all so much for praying! This is amazing!

So Much To Say

Well, first thing first...Disney World was amazing! Allie is the perfect age for it because she still believed all of the princesses were real. The look on her face as she watched the parades was priceless. There was one night at dinner when Prince Charming asked her to dance and she had such a big smile but still acted shy and it was so sweet it made me cry. It was one of the first nights we were there and I told Alan that it was one of the sweetest things I had seen in a long time. Our trip went great...until Alan had to call 911 for me. lol lol. Never a dull moment. On our last day there I kept kind of having fainting like spells but kept it to myself because I didn't want to miss one second at the parks. When we headed out, I almost fell down and that blew my cover. Later that night, I was still acting up and it ended up being dehydration and stress that was causing mini seizures. Strict instruction from the doctor was to drink 4 bottles of Gatorade a day. Well, I got there and decided I would have water once a day and a sprite here and there...Nowhere near the fluids I needed to be drinking. When all of this happened, I got a good long lecture from sweet ole Alan. I cant help but chuckle when he gets mad. He said, "SUMMER, this is the last time! I'm not kidding! The next time that you don't listen and do your own thing you can pack your bag and go to your moms or I'll put you in a nursing home!!" How do you not laugh at that when someone is so serious about it??  Point taken...I should and will listen from now on. I just always think I know better than everyone else. ;) I was so sad that my whole last day was spent inside but Allie didn't mind because she got to spend the whole afternoon at the pool. She's like a little fish so Mom stayed out with her until after 7 and she thought it was wonderful. Overall, it was everything that I had hoped for and even more. The important thing is the memories that I will always have of her little face in awe of everything.

There were times when I forgot about the cancer. I remember one day trottin out of our room and going to Epcot. Several people kept looking at me smiling and I thought "Oh, I must be looking really cute in my outfit today!" lol. I would just smile back and feel good about myself.  Later when my scarf kept moving around I remembered and then realized that's why people were smiling at me. I guess to be nice after staring for a minute. It kind of reminded me of a time when Alan and I first started dating.  We went to a hockey game and had a great time. He started staring in my eyes and then looking at my mouth. I thought, "Oh my gosh, he likes me so much he cant take his eyes off of me. I thought we were having a "moment" or something. Then all of the sudden he said..."Hey, you have a pimple right there." Here I was thinking I was all cute and thinking he was realizing how much he liked me and instead he was pimple searching. lol. 

I mentioned a few posts back about our little basset hound, Lucy.  She walked out of her room wagging her tail and I put her in the truck for the last time. I knew she was sick but I just didn't want it to be true. She started walking slowly and when I would call her from the deck her ears wouldn't perk up and she would just mosey on over to me. I chose to go to the vet alone, even though I knew what might happen. When I got there, the vet told me that there was no way to save her. "What if she got fluids and I took her back home? What if we continued the medication?" The vet told me that if I took her home she would eventually starve to death so at that point I knew I didn't have any other options. Alan texted me several times and I didn't answer because I wanted it to be time just spent with her. Weird feeling, but I knew that Alan would never understand or share the love I had for her and that's why I wanted it to be the two of us in her final hours. I sat down in the floor with her and talked to her and rubbed her ears. I loved that little girl! Right when I got home, I got in the shower and just thought about the last hour. The following afternoon, while doing laundry, I pulled out the shirt that I had worn at the vet. I just stood still looking at it and then smelled it...all over...hoping to find the slightest scent of Lucy on it. After I washed it, I threw it in the trash. I couldnt stand to even see it again because it hurt my feelings so bad. I also left her blanket that I had her wrapped in on the vet table for the same reason. :'(

Tomorrow is a big day for us. I am having another PET scan at 1:45 to see what the chemo has been doing for the last three months. I don't expect for it to be gone, but I do hope for shrinkage so that I know we are making progress. Ill get the results on Tuesday when I go for chemo. I'll report after the dr. visit.

Currently Glued to the Sofa

Not much to mention over the last couple of weeks. I went for chemo yesterday and the nurse told me my counts were really low to continue with chemo. I asked her to ask the doctor if I could go ahead with it anyway. He just laughed and said, "Don't you ever listen to me?" He always tells me I am so hard headed and wont listen to anything! So, I got to go ahead with it. I'll probably have to get blood again next week after taking this treatment on such low counts. After finding out my counts were low and I had started my treatment, mom called to tell me that Allie has strep throat. It was too late to turn back so I'll just have to keep myself locked away...not too bad at times. I'll get to watch my own movies and not Max & Ruby or Calliou! I've given up on the Gatorade fight and drink at least two a day. First it was giving up Starbucks, then Diet Coke, then caffeine and now it gets replaced with nasty Gatorade!

People always ask me how I deal with all of this. It's so hard to explain but while driving down the road the other day this came to mind. A much smaller scale but it feels like one would if they were dating a perfect guy, completely in love and then realizing it wasn't going to work out. Initially, you feel as if the world is over, you want to hide in the covers for days. And then each day becomes easier but every time it's mentioned you break down. Afterwards you get to the point where you accept it and life goes on. Then God has something else in store that you never would've thought of. You look back on it thinking, "Gosh, if I only knew this during that hard time". God knew all along what was best! It's the same feelings only much larger and deeper. Some people can relate to that and others think I've lost my mind! I think I am in the accepting it stage but not really to the good coming out of all of this stage.

It's hard to explain but chemo gives you what most call "Chemo Brain". After a while it becomes so comical. Allie was hungry the other day so I offered her chicken nuggets and some strawberries. She was all for it so I popped them in the microwave...takes 30 seconds. The timer was already set for 5 minutes so I left it and just thought I would just stop it in 30 seconds. 5 minutes later, when I heard the beep, i thought "what the heck was that noise?". Checked the house alarm and then checked my phone. Had no idea what it was until later when Allie reminded me she was hungry. Went in there and there were 4 pieces of something that looked like prunes...oh...guess I messed that up. I've also noticed that I see important papers or checks that need to be put in an important place so I put them somewhere that I know I can remember. Of course days later, Alan and I are digging the house apart trying to find my "important place". "SUMMER, just leave stuff alone! Glue yourself to the sofa and don't get up". That's become Alan's favorite line. I lose things, repeat myself 10 times, can't remember if I took my medicine today or if it was yesterday and try to do things that I've already done (clothes in the dryer, ironing stuff). Mom and I went to Target and went up to some car clicking the unlock button 5 times thinking the clicker was broken, before realizing it wasn't even my car. I was parked 4 rows over.

 Alan told me forever ago that when he was younger that I was his dream girl...lol. We were talking about it on the way to the doctor yesterday. Aww, how sweet I thought to myself. That was quickly followed by "Little did I know that you would cost me a fortune going to the doctor 500 times a week!" He was kidding of course but it was funny. I think of it this way...with chemo, I don't have to spend 5 dollars a day on a non fat latte, buy hairspray or mousse, I use a dime size amount of shampoo instead of a dollar amount, and I could go two months without cleaning out my ears because my scarf covers them, j/k on that one but that's all money saved! lol

I have been pretty happy the last couple of weeks. I've had a couple of scared moments but they usually only last a minute or two. We have spent lots of time laughing and doing stupid childish things and playing jokes on one another. My favorite... Keep on keeping on!

Fish Out of Water :)

Whew! Seems like the last two weeks have been two years! Two weeks ago Alan and I checked into Baptist and I got a blood transfusion because of such low blood counts. I wasn't sure what to expect but I was thinking an hour or two and I would be on my way. Yikes, not so much. We checked in at 11 and didn't get finished until 8:00 p.m.  I was so aggravated at that bed, tv, and cold turkey and dressing that they kept bringing that I wanted to throw that tray down the hall! I have been so nervous about the blood situation because when you are watching someone elses blood go into your body it almost gives you a panic feeling. But, the good news is that people that donate aren't paid to give, so you are getting blood from people that really care about others. Hospitals can even tell the area that the blood was received from...mine was New York! The blood didn't really make me feel much better but I was super excited to get back to the doctor to see if the blood made a difference. Not so much. I haven't had a white count over 1.6 the whole time. I think it went up to 1.7 but low end of normal is 4.5. My red count went up about a point and that was it.

Last week, I think that I slept almost the whole entire week. I felt like I didn't care about anything other than taking a nap. Thankfully that feeling is gone and even with chemo yesterday I am feeling much better. I think all of the fluids and steroids have helped me to get on top of things.  Friday night was somewhat of an experience. Alan, Allie, and I met his parents at Shotgun Dan's for dinner. Everything seemed fine but I had a few weird jumpy feelings while we were eating. I got home and went on with my night, playing with the dogs, running around with Allie and making sure to take all of my medication.  We got in bed about 11 the last thing I remember was playing a game with Allie on my phone. At 1 a.m. I woke up with my mom sitting in my bedroom floor. "What are you doing here!?" I was so super confused! Apparently while playing that game, I had a seizure, fell out of the bed and convulsed for over 10 minutes. Alan phoned the doctor in the middle of the night and mom rushed over to help. Alan tried and tried to talk to me and yell for me to snap out of it but mom told him that we would have to wait it out. So FINALLY, an hour later, after a bit tongue, busted lip and a toenail missing in action, I came around but didn't know who anyone was and had no recollection of the night. So, now that all of this has happened, Alan wont let me out of his site and it is driving me NUTS! He is also forcing Gatorade on me every 5 minutes to keep me from getting dehydrated. Not sure which is worse, Alan following me around or having chemo! :) Gotta love a concerned and worried husband. He said after that stunt he was scared to death. Imagine your spouse flopping on the floor like a fish out of water and foaming at the mouth making a screeching, screaming noise. Makes me laugh thinking about it...I guess because I didn't have to see it.

Yesterday at the doctor my counts had dropped once again but I'm still holding on and taking the chemo. I don't want to skip any and I certainly don't want to give up. It seems almost like I live at the doctor. Monday's are spent from noon until 6, Tuesday's are 3 until sometimes 5:30 and Wednesday until 3:30 only to rush Allie to dance by 3:45. So, finally I get a break on Thursday! I feel bad because all of my friends feel like I am pushing them out of my life but I just really don't have time between all of this mess going on and lots of times I just don't feel like it!

Mom continues to bring me good food because she knows I wont go and get it and eat it on my own. The last time she was here she asked me for her glass bowl back from some sweet potatoes she made two weeks earlier and I said, "Well, I think it's in the dishwasher. I'll wash it and get it back to you." I knew good and well it was still in the refrigerator full of sweet potatoes from two weeks ago. :)

To round all of this up, Allie needs me! I need to see her go to kindergarten, talk her through fights with friends, have her first date, get married and have children (if that's what she desires). I haven't been to church in over 5 weeks and it makes me sad. I'm just so exhausted! Please continue to pray. :)

I Love You!

Well, the good days came...and then the good days went. I have been so proud of myself for adding so many healthy foods to my diet. Even when I don't feel like greens, broccoli or fruit, I force myself to eat it anyway. For the past four weeks I just knew that it was holding my blood counts up allowing me to bounce back from this ugly medicine. Last week when I went my counts took a huge plunge. I was so upset because I thought I was really doing something by eating all of those healthy foods. I kind of got a little depressed because I felt like things were out of my control. So, when I was tested yesterday before my treatment they had taken another dive. I have to go get blood on Thursday because the low counts are causing me to sleep so much and I shiver all the time. Alan and I are going to have a knock down drag out over the thermostat! :)  Yesterday the nurse came to me and told me the doctor was going to hold one of my drugs back because of my white blood count. I was sitting and secretly said to myself, "YES, YES, YES!" I went back to the waiting room to wait for a space in the chemo area. As I sat there I got sad because I was skipping something. Something came over me and suddenly I didn't want to miss a medicine. I wanted it so that I knew I was doing everything in my control to stop this nasty disease. I tracked down the doctor in the hallway and begged him to let me do it. "Summer, your counts are too low. Are you sure? If you got around any virus it cold make you very sick". I just looked and him and said, "Please?" So, he agreed and I went for it. I wasn't excited about feeling bad but I didn't want to give up this early!

This is a little crazy and if you aren't a dog lover you can skip right over this part! :) One night right after I started chemo, I went to my dog's room for their nightly visit and treat time. As I was sitting in the floor with Lucy in my lap and petting Charlie with one hand and Zoey with my foot, something came over me. I got so super sad. This may sound ridiculous but I prayed to God that he would take my dogs before taking me. I was so worried that they wouldn't understand where I went and that they would think I left them...dumb, I know. Anyway, three weeks later, my perfectly healthy Charlie died suddenly and the vet said that it was just some freak thing that happens from time to time.  I didn't think too much about my prayer because I was too sad to think about anything. Saturday night, Lucy was acting very lethargic and wouldn't eat or drink or hardly move. I sat in there, stinking from dog odor, for over two hours watching her trying to figure out what was wrong. Monday morning things seemed to be worse so Alan took her in. She is in the beginning stage of kidney failure and most likely will die from it. The doctor said we could take a shot in the dark and they could hook her up to fluids for a week and see what happens. So, after thinking about 2 dogs in 4 weeks I suddenly started thinking about my prayer. If this is an answered prayer, I certainly wasn't thinking it was about to happen in a matter of weeks. I was thinking more like several more years.   :'(

Valentines Day! It felt like a special day even though I had chemo. I thought a lot about love from all of my family and friends. It's odd, but I have always had this hang up about telling people that I love them. It's like I just don't want to say it. "If I say it first, I will look weak. If I don't say it, what if people never know how i feel?" I have even been known to respond with "Thank you" when someone tells me they love me. LOL.  Anyway, since all of this happened, I have found myself telling people how much I love them. I say it in letters, on the phone, in person...whenever...and it feels good. I have turned into a hugger too! Alan and I don't say we love each other every time we leave or every time we go to bed. I told him that I don't want it to be a routine, i want it to come from his heart...not loosely said like hello and goodbye. After all, those words mean so much. So, if you are ever feeling down you can call me and count on me to tell you I love you! Maybe even three or four times!  :) :)

As always, thank you for the continued prayers and the many many facebook messages and cards! Love you all (see how easy that was)! I will update next Monday or so after I see the doctor. Hopefully getting blood will help me out some and I can keep on going!

This and That

I walked in the bathroom this morning and looked in the mirror. I stood there for a few seconds and then unplugged my straightening iron and put it in the drawer along with my brush and other hair products. I noticed hair on my shoulders in church last Sunday and since then it has continued to come out. Each day I said to myself that tomorrow would be the day that we would shave it. Tomorrow would come and I would hold on for one more day. Finally, on Friday, I knew that I couldn't hold on any longer. I had done this before but this time it just felt so different. I knew that I would be this way for a long long time and it bothered me. Alan got out the clippers and started cutting it off. Allie wanted to help and she thought it was fun to hold the clippers and do it on her own. We took funny pictures while Alan clipped it into different hairstyles. I had a mullet, then a mohawk, and then bald on top with a rat tail! It was a funny time but it really made me so sad. Since then, every time I pass by the mirror I am startled because it's like I forget that I look this way. It's like expecting to see yourself and then seeing G.I. Jane looking back at you in the mirror.  I just keep sitting here thinking about Wednesday and how normal I felt when I went to the grocery store and now I cant go back to that again.

Chemo this week seemed to go easier. I didn't feel very well on Tuesday or Wednesday but it was definitely doable! Ive felt really tired and just kind of achy but I'll take that any day over what I experienced last week. Going in for fluids the day after chemo forces me to get up and get out and I guess in a way that's good. The earlier I can get going, the faster I can get back into the swing of things.  I've noticed a couple people doing chemo that have changed so much in a two month period and that scares me so much. I feel ill when I think back three months ago and remember someone walking in and talking and laughing and then last week the same person came in a wheelchair and can hardly move. It's just hard! The Thursday before I went to my second treatment I went out driving because I had nothing to do but didn't want to sit around inside. I went to a few stores and then decided to go to the cemetery. I'm not sure why I did this or why I couldn't get it off of my mind but it is certainly not because I am giving up! I am a planner...I need exact dates and times of everything! If something is unsettled or undone, I drive myself nuts until it is completed. I drove out to where my aunt is buried and just sat there listening to the birds and thinking about life in general. It was so peaceful and quiet. After I got in the car, I drove through some of the cemetery thinking about where I would want to  be buried. I called Alan and told him that I wanted to go out and talk to someone there just so I could settle that in my mind. No, I don't think I am about to die but even if its 50 years away, I like to have a plan. He didn't like it too much but I told him if he wasn't going to go with me that I would go by myself! I think this rough time will pass soon.  Ive been having crazy dreams about running from people or being trapped and can't scream. Last night someone was trying to keep me and I thought I could get away but had no phone or car keys! That crazy stuff drives me nuts!!

On a happy note...I was surprised with another wonderful gift! Lots of people, some that I do know and some that I don't know, raised money for our family to go to Disney World! Is this really happening!?!?  I have always said that I wanted to take Allie when she was 6 or 7 but since this diagnosis, I knew that may not be possible. It was such a huge surprise! A friend walked in with a huge basket full of stuff for Allie. Outfits that were made for her, Disney coloring books, backpack and other kinds of cute Disney stuff. There was a huge card that said, "Dreams can come true..." and it was signed by lots and lots of people. For the past 24 hours I have done nothing but look at Disney World on the internet. Our trip will be planned right away because I have a strict schedule to follow. I am SO excited and Allie is ready to go today!  What a great thing to look forward to!

Feeling Like Myself Again

Well, I survived the first week! It was tough and there were a couple of times when I threw myself a pity party and decided that I couldn't do it, but I finally got over the slump and pulled through the rough days.  I was pretty sick the entire week and felt like I was constantly taking Tylenol pm or something. Just when I thought that I wasn't going to be able to do it any longer, I woke up today feeling great! Mom came over and cooked some greens (lol) and we put up laundry, talked and played with Allie. I had a doctor appointment at 5 to check my bloodcounts after chemo and to get results from a CT scan that I had on Friday. All of my counts were under normal and if things continue as they usually do they will drop more next week. Last spring when I had a CT scan it came back normal. In October, I had a PET scan and it showed a tumor as well as other cancer cells. The CT scan I had on Friday showed nothing. Obviously the CT doesn't show the same things as the PET scan. It kind of confuses me especially when a surgeon went in a month ago and saw the tumor but it didn't show up on this scan. :(  So, that kind of felt like a waste of time but we will keep on keeping on! The last round of chemo my hair fell out about 14 days after the first treatment. It's been 7 and I've given my hair the hard pull test and it's still hanging in there but my eyelashes have started falling out. During chemo last time I had 4 eyelashes left and I put mascara on those four lashes every single morning for 9 months :). Everyone told me to pull them out but I was too proud of them!!

So many of you have written me about the dog eating my breakfast and how funny it was.  Let me back up some for those of you that I don't talk to every day. Dogs are my world but for some reason the last two weeks I have had super bad luck with them. Here is the timeline. Thursday, one of our basset hounds unexpectedly passed away. Friday, while coming home from dinner, my car went BUMP BUMP BUMP and Alan and I looked at each other trying to figure out what happened. I wasn't sure if I hit a pot hole or ran into another car or what. The front of my car was completely torn up so we circled the block and got back on North Hills looking for evidence of what could have gone wrong. Off in the distance, we saw a Lab running around. He was fine but I had hit him. So at 9:00 pm it was 30 degrees outside and I am chasing this dog around the neighborhood trying to make sure he is ok.  I didn't want him to get away because I wanted to find his owner.  I am thinking of course he isn't coming to me, he doesn't know me. I figured, well, most dogs have two syllable names so I'll just call the dog with a two syllable noise and it might come. I followed that darn dog for 30 minutes calling, "Huh Huuuuh...Huh Huuuuuh".  Finally I got to the dog and it trusted me enough for me to reach its tag. Of all two syllable great dog names, his name had to be Beau! No wonder he wasn't falling for my call, he probably thought I was a nutcase chasing him around calling him like that. The following night when I went out to feed my two dogs, my other little basset, Lucy, starts convulsing and throws up all over my favorite Toms.  So...to top the week off...the other dog eats my breakfast! ;) You win some, you lose some!

First One Down

Toast, applesauce...toast, apple juice...toast, apple juice, soup. Hopefully by tomorrow I can add something new to the food chart! It's so funny that Alan and I knew that I wouldn't feel like eating after chemo probably until Thursday or Friday. He went out Monday morning and got breakfast and I was so excited because I normally don't eat a big, greasy, fatty meal. Allie was still in bed when he got back and I was even more excited to get to eat in peace! :) I sat down in the floor and placed my food just right with my juice and napkin placed nicely to one side. I took one bite and it was absolutely delicious! The doorbell rang and my hair was a disaster so I ran upstairs to hide. Our neighbor dropped by to borrow a tool from Alan. He is super nice and has a little dog that Allie loves to play with. He brought his dog along with him. They talked and I heard Alan raise his voice a tad bit at the dog. So, when I came downstairs I had a nice surprise. My breakfast was gone except for one little piece with dog drool on it. I wanted it so bad I was tempted to eat it anyway. Lol.  The chemo went well and the nurses and staff were the nicest I have met at any clinic. It took about 5 hours total to get my bloodwork done and get all of the chemo drugs. Monday night when I got home I was extremely sick and thought that there was no way to make it through this. By Tuesday morning I felt a little better and went in for fluids and stomach meds. The fluids are put through my iv and help things so much. Last night was a little better but the steroids kept me up for what seemed like forever. For the first time, Allie spent the night with a friend and we watched 3 movies in a row before falling asleep.  Today I went for fluids again and am feeling somewhat better. I haven't been able to eat yet but hopefully tomorrow will be the day. I am going to have a scan on Friday just to see exactly where I am starting from so we can see how the chemo drugs are changing things over the next months. I had one in October but things have had time to change and move since then. We are going to continue this treatment for 3 months and do another scan. I wake up every day with tons of emails and posts on facebook. I don't always respond but please know that every single word that I read encourages me and helps me through this. Ive taken on a new job since being sick...I need a black and white striped shirt and a whistle. Every morning Alan and Allie fuss while I referee from the bedroom. They are downstairs trying to get out of the door and she is crying about this and that and he is wanting to bang his head in the wall. I'm upstairs yelling trying to tell him what it is she wants...it's just a mad house but I wouldn't have it any other way! :)

The Time Has Come!!!

When I was little my mom used to curl my hair with rollers and as soon as she got done I would run to the bed, mess it up as much as I could and hide under the bed. I hated it so much that I wouldn't come out until she found me and pulled me out with me kicking and screaming. That is EXACTLY how I feel this morning. lol.  I don't want to go and my mind keeps trying to think of some way to get out of it.  The last time I had chemo it was at a different office with different doctors, nurses and procedures. Today I don't know how things will work and I'm so nervous. Will the nurses be nice or cold and pushy? Will they understand if I feel like I'm going to pass out or will they brush it off and tell me I'm fine? So many thoughts are running through my mind. I want to know what its like and get comfortable before I'm forced to laugh at someones story, hear about the kids or talk about where I am from. The funny thing is that today should be the least of my worries. This week I get to see what the rest of my life is going to be like! Normally the third day is the worst and things slowly lighten up. When I did chemo on Monday things started going downhill late Tuesday night and Wednesday was horrible! I gotta get going...2 hours until time. Please pray for me today and especially for the days to follow.

YES!

We went to the doctor on Friday for my chat time before the first chemo. The doctor walked in and handed Alan a paper that looked like it came from a binder. Alan was reading it and the doctor was just staring at him smiling. "What!? Tell me what y'all are talking about!" A drug was approved from the FDA this month for treating stage IV cervical cancer!! How did this happen the week before I was about to start treatment...Just in time! It's an old drug that has been used for lung cancer but went through clinical trials and now is approved for cervical cancer. It is not a cure but the patients in the trials lived much longer. I will have the new drug added to the other drugs that he was already planning on using.  The doctor's only concern is that the drug is totally going to knock my immune system out and my bone marrow may stop producing. Last round, I had a hard time keeping my white blood counts up but maybe this time will be different.  My incision wasn't healed enough to start treatment yesterday so he moved my first round to the 17th. I'm really happy because it gave me time to play in the snow and enjoy the weekend.  I'm spending this week eating all of the healthy foods that I can get my hands on.  I still manage to leave plenty of room for Snickers, cookies and brownies though!  :)

A New Year

I haven't written in a week or so because I have been so overwhelmed with everything going on. When I started chemo back in 2009 I met a lady who was 37 and battling breast cancer. We quickly became friends and started the journey together. We stayed on the same schedule so every three weeks we would sit side by side and chat about anything and everything in the world. After chemo we stayed in touch and called each other when we felt that no one else could understand. We talked about our fears, family, dying and recurrences. It was just so nice to talk to someone that could complete my every thought! In the spring of 2010 we were both ecstatic about clean scans. Shortly after, hers came back and she started fighting once again. I just couldn't believe it. Months later, I learned that my cancer was also back. She was getting well, her tumors were shrinking and things were turning around for her. She even got a clean scan in December! The week that I went in for surgery, she was admitted to the hospital after feeling very ill. She later learned that the cancer had spread to her brain. I went to see her at the end of December and I cannot explain the feelings that I experienced. I walked to her bed to see her suffering and fighting for her life. She could hardly speak but her first words were "How are you? How did your surgery go? I love you." She was laying in bed hooked to machines fighting but worried about me. As I talked to her and stared in her eyes, it was like I was seeing myself laying in her bed and MY family standing all around. Suddenly, I realized what I haven't in the past. Here was a beautiful wife and mother that fought with everything she had but in the end she was still taken too early. She died on New Years Day. I saw first hand that things can be completely wonderful and three weeks later life can end unexpectedly. It's hard to have hope when you see a friend go through something like this. I miss her smiling face!

After all of that, I had a super hard time dealing with my diagnosis. Every time that I thought things were ok, I would think about Diane it would set me into a full blown panic attack. It's just hard! A friend of mine brought me the book "There's No Place Like Hope" and it has helped me SO much in the last couple of days. There is a line in the book that I love and I try to think of it every time I get scared. "Never place a period in your life where God meant to place a comma."  God knows how long I am staying here, the doctors do not! I got a port put in yesterday and that went really well. I am healing well from my incision from surgery and trying to get back to normal. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to get my chemo schedule but I am pretty sure it will start again this Monday. I have had so much support from family and friends. Allie has had tons of play dates and she loves it.  Alan and I have stayed up talking until after 2 in the morning some nights and that has also helped. I love it when I can say whatever is on my mind and ask and say the same thing 100 times but never have to feel stupid about it! Allie told me that she was ok with my hair falling out again because I was going to look just like Calliou! Calliou is her favorite cartoon and the little boy is bald. :)  She was playing birthday party the other day and pretended to blow the candles out. Right before she said, "I wish that mommy would feel better." Although she has a mean streak and can be hard headed at times, she is the sweetest little girl in the world!