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Lately it seems that I've tried to write and then I type and delete and type again and delete again. I feel like there is so much to share but it's a big jumbled mess in my mind and it's frustrating! The last time that I blogged I was going to the doctor to see if a physical exam would match the results of my previous PET scan. We got a bad scare that we weren't expecting! The doctor told us that he wasn't going to do a biopsy, just an exam. So, after the exam he went back on his word and said that he did feel something and that he needed to do 2 biopsies. He said that he had no idea what he was feeling because by looking at the scan, it shouldn't be there! So, I spent the weekend picking at my nails, picking toenail polish off of my toes, pulling out eyelashes and everything else i could get my hands on. The doctor finally called and the results were negative...the mass he was feeling was likely scar tissue. What a relief! So, now all of the doctors and all of the scans are matching and we are in business. There has been no talk whatsoever about ending treatment any time in the future.

My blood counts have remained down and it seems like going to the doctor is the only thing we do around here. Allie spends a lot of time at the doctor with us too and it seems to be such a normal thing for her. She has been going with me since she was born so it has just become part of life for her I guess. Lately I have become more and more discouraged with this whole mess. I feel like my whole life is being slept away. I have chemo one week and am sick and in bed almost the whole week. The following week is my "off" week, but with chemo, blood counts drop drastically the week after the chemo. So what that means is that I spend the week after chemo so tired that I can't function. And then....the process starts again...over and over.  I have tried so hard to stay positive and I believe for the last 4 years I have done a pretty good job! But...enough is enough...I am tired! Tired of being tired if that makes sense.  I've always enjoyed the beach and going to the pool in the summertime. It's one of Allie's favorite things to do but now being in the sun drains me. It just feels like one thing after the next.

Alan and I took a last minute trip to Branson last weekend and we had a really good time. It was nice not being on a schedule and not having any appointments to rush to or any phones ringing. My favorite part of the trip was eating peanut butter fudge for breakfast and the ice cream shop down the street. Allie just loves hotels so she was super excited just going somewhere.  We got home Sunday afternoon and I had to be at chemo on Monday morning. This is totally not me, but on the way there I just started bawling and told Alan that I just didn't want to do it anymore. Its not something you say or do for attention, not something you say for an answer, it's just something that comes out from being so aggravated and not having an answer for the way that you are feeling. Alan has always been super supportive but for some reason in the car that day I got so upset with what he said...maybe because it was the truth. He said, "Summer, you have to realize that this is your life now. It's not something you do when you want to and don't when you don't want to. Your attitude and feelings with everything have to adjust to this because you don't have a choice in the matter....This is your life." I just got so angry about it because I have never been the poor pitiful me person, but for a few seconds I was. I screamed, "YOU try feeling the way I do every single day and then see how YOUR feelings and attitude change!!" That was right at the moment that we pulled up at the door and I got out. After he parked the car and met me in the waiting room we were back to normal like nothing ever happened. I think I just needed to vent...it didn't change anything...but I felt a tad bit better. We never mentioned it again. :)

The following day we drove up to the Sherwood Humane Society and I adopted a dog. I'm not sure why she makes me feel better but she does. She's a dachshund and very old and wobbly....about 5 pounds, maybe 12 years old. She is way underweight and probably one of the ugliest dogs I have ever in my life seen! She was covered in fleas and had toenails longer than my fingers! Something about her made me want her....so here she is sleeping with her stinking breath blowing all over the place while I'm typing. :) She may have a year or so left but I want to make her happy until then. Who knows what her life has been like!

Thank you for the cards and prayers. It amazes me every time I check the mail and there is a card in there for me!

Grouchy :)

I haven't blogged in a while and several have texted and asked me if I packed up and moved to a different country or something.  It seems like nothing has changed but everything has changed! After receiving the best news ever, I celebrated and enjoyed every second of it for about two or three days. Afterwards, I got completely down and blah. It's that I am so excited knowing that these drugs are working and things are looking up, but for now it doesn't change the future. These drugs are basically maintaining things....holding off the enemy but not keeping it away for good.  I feel like there isn't a stopping point to look forward to. It's not 6 more treatments or 20 more treatments...it's forever for now and that's hard to swallow. Getting such good news and then realizing that my life goes on the same....doctor, then doctor, then doctor again. I tell my friends it's like having a full time job! I've had two more blood transfusions since my last blog and that just adds to the frustration of it all. I am so thankful that people give blood. Ive never really thought about it...just donating to be a nice person....but obviously many do it and not for money or any other benefits. I don't know where I would be if those people weren't out there!

I've noticed a slight change in my attitude over the last couple of weeks. I've always been pretty friendly with strangers and generally smile without thinking about it.  I'm always the one that lets people out in traffic, compliments the grocery checker at Walmart, and smiles and plays with little babies that wave at me. Lately....not so much. It's not even that I don't do those things anymore, its that i get frustrated at even the thought of it. I was behind a lady in the grocery store today and we were pushing our carts out the door. She was walking slow and I couldn't get around her...that was bad enough. Apparently it was her day off while she was there and on the way out she saw her co worker and said...."Roooooobert, hey!" For whatever reason, I wanted to start yelling at her and say..."Robert sees you everyday...why is it so important to call his name so he can see you shopping there?...MOVE. NOW....or you aren't going to have skin on the back of your heels. The people that I used to let out in traffic...I pretend I don't see them...and if i happen to let someone out and they don't wave I end up wanting to ram into the back of their vehicle. LOL.  I'm not crazy....I can just tell that I get irritated very easily. I normally don't show it on the outside, but the wheels are constantly turning on the inside!

Easter was great! Allie loved it and when she loves anything, it makes us love it too! When we were walking into church, I was watching her from behind and it reminded me so much of myself 30 years ago running in my grandmother's church just as carefree as I could be...not a worry in the world.  I would give anything for it to be that way again!

Prayer this week is that everything goes as expected at the doctor on Thursday.  I am going to UAMS for an exam and hopefully the doctor will not feel the tumor anymore. I'll know the answer to that right away but I'm also going to have a biopsy done and that will probably take about a week for results. I'll post when I get results.