Not much to mention over the last couple of weeks. I went for chemo yesterday and the nurse told me my counts were really low to continue with chemo. I asked her to ask the doctor if I could go ahead with it anyway. He just laughed and said, "Don't you ever listen to me?" He always tells me I am so hard headed and wont listen to anything! So, I got to go ahead with it. I'll probably have to get blood again next week after taking this treatment on such low counts. After finding out my counts were low and I had started my treatment, mom called to tell me that Allie has strep throat. It was too late to turn back so I'll just have to keep myself locked away...not too bad at times. I'll get to watch my own movies and not Max & Ruby or Calliou! I've given up on the Gatorade fight and drink at least two a day. First it was giving up Starbucks, then Diet Coke, then caffeine and now it gets replaced with nasty Gatorade!
People always ask me how I deal with all of this. It's so hard to explain but while driving down the road the other day this came to mind. A much smaller scale but it feels like one would if they were dating a perfect guy, completely in love and then realizing it wasn't going to work out. Initially, you feel as if the world is over, you want to hide in the covers for days. And then each day becomes easier but every time it's mentioned you break down. Afterwards you get to the point where you accept it and life goes on. Then God has something else in store that you never would've thought of. You look back on it thinking, "Gosh, if I only knew this during that hard time". God knew all along what was best! It's the same feelings only much larger and deeper. Some people can relate to that and others think I've lost my mind! I think I am in the accepting it stage but not really to the good coming out of all of this stage.
It's hard to explain but chemo gives you what most call "Chemo Brain". After a while it becomes so comical. Allie was hungry the other day so I offered her chicken nuggets and some strawberries. She was all for it so I popped them in the microwave...takes 30 seconds. The timer was already set for 5 minutes so I left it and just thought I would just stop it in 30 seconds. 5 minutes later, when I heard the beep, i thought "what the heck was that noise?". Checked the house alarm and then checked my phone. Had no idea what it was until later when Allie reminded me she was hungry. Went in there and there were 4 pieces of something that looked like prunes...oh...guess I messed that up. I've also noticed that I see important papers or checks that need to be put in an important place so I put them somewhere that I know I can remember. Of course days later, Alan and I are digging the house apart trying to find my "important place". "SUMMER, just leave stuff alone! Glue yourself to the sofa and don't get up". That's become Alan's favorite line. I lose things, repeat myself 10 times, can't remember if I took my medicine today or if it was yesterday and try to do things that I've already done (clothes in the dryer, ironing stuff). Mom and I went to Target and went up to some car clicking the unlock button 5 times thinking the clicker was broken, before realizing it wasn't even my car. I was parked 4 rows over.
Alan told me forever ago that when he was younger that I was his dream girl...lol. We were talking about it on the way to the doctor yesterday. Aww, how sweet I thought to myself. That was quickly followed by "Little did I know that you would cost me a fortune going to the doctor 500 times a week!" He was kidding of course but it was funny. I think of it this way...with chemo, I don't have to spend 5 dollars a day on a non fat latte, buy hairspray or mousse, I use a dime size amount of shampoo instead of a dollar amount, and I could go two months without cleaning out my ears because my scarf covers them, j/k on that one but that's all money saved! lol
I have been pretty happy the last couple of weeks. I've had a couple of scared moments but they usually only last a minute or two. We have spent lots of time laughing and doing stupid childish things and playing jokes on one another. My favorite... Keep on keeping on!
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Fish Out of Water :)
Whew! Seems like the last two weeks have been two years! Two weeks ago Alan and I checked into Baptist and I got a blood transfusion because of such low blood counts. I wasn't sure what to expect but I was thinking an hour or two and I would be on my way. Yikes, not so much. We checked in at 11 and didn't get finished until 8:00 p.m. I was so aggravated at that bed, tv, and cold turkey and dressing that they kept bringing that I wanted to throw that tray down the hall! I have been so nervous about the blood situation because when you are watching someone elses blood go into your body it almost gives you a panic feeling. But, the good news is that people that donate aren't paid to give, so you are getting blood from people that really care about others. Hospitals can even tell the area that the blood was received from...mine was New York! The blood didn't really make me feel much better but I was super excited to get back to the doctor to see if the blood made a difference. Not so much. I haven't had a white count over 1.6 the whole time. I think it went up to 1.7 but low end of normal is 4.5. My red count went up about a point and that was it.
Last week, I think that I slept almost the whole entire week. I felt like I didn't care about anything other than taking a nap. Thankfully that feeling is gone and even with chemo yesterday I am feeling much better. I think all of the fluids and steroids have helped me to get on top of things. Friday night was somewhat of an experience. Alan, Allie, and I met his parents at Shotgun Dan's for dinner. Everything seemed fine but I had a few weird jumpy feelings while we were eating. I got home and went on with my night, playing with the dogs, running around with Allie and making sure to take all of my medication. We got in bed about 11 the last thing I remember was playing a game with Allie on my phone. At 1 a.m. I woke up with my mom sitting in my bedroom floor. "What are you doing here!?" I was so super confused! Apparently while playing that game, I had a seizure, fell out of the bed and convulsed for over 10 minutes. Alan phoned the doctor in the middle of the night and mom rushed over to help. Alan tried and tried to talk to me and yell for me to snap out of it but mom told him that we would have to wait it out. So FINALLY, an hour later, after a bit tongue, busted lip and a toenail missing in action, I came around but didn't know who anyone was and had no recollection of the night. So, now that all of this has happened, Alan wont let me out of his site and it is driving me NUTS! He is also forcing Gatorade on me every 5 minutes to keep me from getting dehydrated. Not sure which is worse, Alan following me around or having chemo! :) Gotta love a concerned and worried husband. He said after that stunt he was scared to death. Imagine your spouse flopping on the floor like a fish out of water and foaming at the mouth making a screeching, screaming noise. Makes me laugh thinking about it...I guess because I didn't have to see it.
Yesterday at the doctor my counts had dropped once again but I'm still holding on and taking the chemo. I don't want to skip any and I certainly don't want to give up. It seems almost like I live at the doctor. Monday's are spent from noon until 6, Tuesday's are 3 until sometimes 5:30 and Wednesday until 3:30 only to rush Allie to dance by 3:45. So, finally I get a break on Thursday! I feel bad because all of my friends feel like I am pushing them out of my life but I just really don't have time between all of this mess going on and lots of times I just don't feel like it!
Mom continues to bring me good food because she knows I wont go and get it and eat it on my own. The last time she was here she asked me for her glass bowl back from some sweet potatoes she made two weeks earlier and I said, "Well, I think it's in the dishwasher. I'll wash it and get it back to you." I knew good and well it was still in the refrigerator full of sweet potatoes from two weeks ago. :)
To round all of this up, Allie needs me! I need to see her go to kindergarten, talk her through fights with friends, have her first date, get married and have children (if that's what she desires). I haven't been to church in over 5 weeks and it makes me sad. I'm just so exhausted! Please continue to pray. :)
Last week, I think that I slept almost the whole entire week. I felt like I didn't care about anything other than taking a nap. Thankfully that feeling is gone and even with chemo yesterday I am feeling much better. I think all of the fluids and steroids have helped me to get on top of things. Friday night was somewhat of an experience. Alan, Allie, and I met his parents at Shotgun Dan's for dinner. Everything seemed fine but I had a few weird jumpy feelings while we were eating. I got home and went on with my night, playing with the dogs, running around with Allie and making sure to take all of my medication. We got in bed about 11 the last thing I remember was playing a game with Allie on my phone. At 1 a.m. I woke up with my mom sitting in my bedroom floor. "What are you doing here!?" I was so super confused! Apparently while playing that game, I had a seizure, fell out of the bed and convulsed for over 10 minutes. Alan phoned the doctor in the middle of the night and mom rushed over to help. Alan tried and tried to talk to me and yell for me to snap out of it but mom told him that we would have to wait it out. So FINALLY, an hour later, after a bit tongue, busted lip and a toenail missing in action, I came around but didn't know who anyone was and had no recollection of the night. So, now that all of this has happened, Alan wont let me out of his site and it is driving me NUTS! He is also forcing Gatorade on me every 5 minutes to keep me from getting dehydrated. Not sure which is worse, Alan following me around or having chemo! :) Gotta love a concerned and worried husband. He said after that stunt he was scared to death. Imagine your spouse flopping on the floor like a fish out of water and foaming at the mouth making a screeching, screaming noise. Makes me laugh thinking about it...I guess because I didn't have to see it.
Yesterday at the doctor my counts had dropped once again but I'm still holding on and taking the chemo. I don't want to skip any and I certainly don't want to give up. It seems almost like I live at the doctor. Monday's are spent from noon until 6, Tuesday's are 3 until sometimes 5:30 and Wednesday until 3:30 only to rush Allie to dance by 3:45. So, finally I get a break on Thursday! I feel bad because all of my friends feel like I am pushing them out of my life but I just really don't have time between all of this mess going on and lots of times I just don't feel like it!
Mom continues to bring me good food because she knows I wont go and get it and eat it on my own. The last time she was here she asked me for her glass bowl back from some sweet potatoes she made two weeks earlier and I said, "Well, I think it's in the dishwasher. I'll wash it and get it back to you." I knew good and well it was still in the refrigerator full of sweet potatoes from two weeks ago. :)
To round all of this up, Allie needs me! I need to see her go to kindergarten, talk her through fights with friends, have her first date, get married and have children (if that's what she desires). I haven't been to church in over 5 weeks and it makes me sad. I'm just so exhausted! Please continue to pray. :)
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