I Love You!

Well, the good days came...and then the good days went. I have been so proud of myself for adding so many healthy foods to my diet. Even when I don't feel like greens, broccoli or fruit, I force myself to eat it anyway. For the past four weeks I just knew that it was holding my blood counts up allowing me to bounce back from this ugly medicine. Last week when I went my counts took a huge plunge. I was so upset because I thought I was really doing something by eating all of those healthy foods. I kind of got a little depressed because I felt like things were out of my control. So, when I was tested yesterday before my treatment they had taken another dive. I have to go get blood on Thursday because the low counts are causing me to sleep so much and I shiver all the time. Alan and I are going to have a knock down drag out over the thermostat! :)  Yesterday the nurse came to me and told me the doctor was going to hold one of my drugs back because of my white blood count. I was sitting and secretly said to myself, "YES, YES, YES!" I went back to the waiting room to wait for a space in the chemo area. As I sat there I got sad because I was skipping something. Something came over me and suddenly I didn't want to miss a medicine. I wanted it so that I knew I was doing everything in my control to stop this nasty disease. I tracked down the doctor in the hallway and begged him to let me do it. "Summer, your counts are too low. Are you sure? If you got around any virus it cold make you very sick". I just looked and him and said, "Please?" So, he agreed and I went for it. I wasn't excited about feeling bad but I didn't want to give up this early!

This is a little crazy and if you aren't a dog lover you can skip right over this part! :) One night right after I started chemo, I went to my dog's room for their nightly visit and treat time. As I was sitting in the floor with Lucy in my lap and petting Charlie with one hand and Zoey with my foot, something came over me. I got so super sad. This may sound ridiculous but I prayed to God that he would take my dogs before taking me. I was so worried that they wouldn't understand where I went and that they would think I left them...dumb, I know. Anyway, three weeks later, my perfectly healthy Charlie died suddenly and the vet said that it was just some freak thing that happens from time to time.  I didn't think too much about my prayer because I was too sad to think about anything. Saturday night, Lucy was acting very lethargic and wouldn't eat or drink or hardly move. I sat in there, stinking from dog odor, for over two hours watching her trying to figure out what was wrong. Monday morning things seemed to be worse so Alan took her in. She is in the beginning stage of kidney failure and most likely will die from it. The doctor said we could take a shot in the dark and they could hook her up to fluids for a week and see what happens. So, after thinking about 2 dogs in 4 weeks I suddenly started thinking about my prayer. If this is an answered prayer, I certainly wasn't thinking it was about to happen in a matter of weeks. I was thinking more like several more years.   :'(

Valentines Day! It felt like a special day even though I had chemo. I thought a lot about love from all of my family and friends. It's odd, but I have always had this hang up about telling people that I love them. It's like I just don't want to say it. "If I say it first, I will look weak. If I don't say it, what if people never know how i feel?" I have even been known to respond with "Thank you" when someone tells me they love me. LOL.  Anyway, since all of this happened, I have found myself telling people how much I love them. I say it in letters, on the phone, in person...whenever...and it feels good. I have turned into a hugger too! Alan and I don't say we love each other every time we leave or every time we go to bed. I told him that I don't want it to be a routine, i want it to come from his heart...not loosely said like hello and goodbye. After all, those words mean so much. So, if you are ever feeling down you can call me and count on me to tell you I love you! Maybe even three or four times!  :) :)

As always, thank you for the continued prayers and the many many facebook messages and cards! Love you all (see how easy that was)! I will update next Monday or so after I see the doctor. Hopefully getting blood will help me out some and I can keep on going!