This and That

I walked in the bathroom this morning and looked in the mirror. I stood there for a few seconds and then unplugged my straightening iron and put it in the drawer along with my brush and other hair products. I noticed hair on my shoulders in church last Sunday and since then it has continued to come out. Each day I said to myself that tomorrow would be the day that we would shave it. Tomorrow would come and I would hold on for one more day. Finally, on Friday, I knew that I couldn't hold on any longer. I had done this before but this time it just felt so different. I knew that I would be this way for a long long time and it bothered me. Alan got out the clippers and started cutting it off. Allie wanted to help and she thought it was fun to hold the clippers and do it on her own. We took funny pictures while Alan clipped it into different hairstyles. I had a mullet, then a mohawk, and then bald on top with a rat tail! It was a funny time but it really made me so sad. Since then, every time I pass by the mirror I am startled because it's like I forget that I look this way. It's like expecting to see yourself and then seeing G.I. Jane looking back at you in the mirror.  I just keep sitting here thinking about Wednesday and how normal I felt when I went to the grocery store and now I cant go back to that again.

Chemo this week seemed to go easier. I didn't feel very well on Tuesday or Wednesday but it was definitely doable! Ive felt really tired and just kind of achy but I'll take that any day over what I experienced last week. Going in for fluids the day after chemo forces me to get up and get out and I guess in a way that's good. The earlier I can get going, the faster I can get back into the swing of things.  I've noticed a couple people doing chemo that have changed so much in a two month period and that scares me so much. I feel ill when I think back three months ago and remember someone walking in and talking and laughing and then last week the same person came in a wheelchair and can hardly move. It's just hard! The Thursday before I went to my second treatment I went out driving because I had nothing to do but didn't want to sit around inside. I went to a few stores and then decided to go to the cemetery. I'm not sure why I did this or why I couldn't get it off of my mind but it is certainly not because I am giving up! I am a planner...I need exact dates and times of everything! If something is unsettled or undone, I drive myself nuts until it is completed. I drove out to where my aunt is buried and just sat there listening to the birds and thinking about life in general. It was so peaceful and quiet. After I got in the car, I drove through some of the cemetery thinking about where I would want to  be buried. I called Alan and told him that I wanted to go out and talk to someone there just so I could settle that in my mind. No, I don't think I am about to die but even if its 50 years away, I like to have a plan. He didn't like it too much but I told him if he wasn't going to go with me that I would go by myself! I think this rough time will pass soon.  Ive been having crazy dreams about running from people or being trapped and can't scream. Last night someone was trying to keep me and I thought I could get away but had no phone or car keys! That crazy stuff drives me nuts!!

On a happy note...I was surprised with another wonderful gift! Lots of people, some that I do know and some that I don't know, raised money for our family to go to Disney World! Is this really happening!?!?  I have always said that I wanted to take Allie when she was 6 or 7 but since this diagnosis, I knew that may not be possible. It was such a huge surprise! A friend walked in with a huge basket full of stuff for Allie. Outfits that were made for her, Disney coloring books, backpack and other kinds of cute Disney stuff. There was a huge card that said, "Dreams can come true..." and it was signed by lots and lots of people. For the past 24 hours I have done nothing but look at Disney World on the internet. Our trip will be planned right away because I have a strict schedule to follow. I am SO excited and Allie is ready to go today!  What a great thing to look forward to!