The Plan

Alan and I went to my chemo doctor on Christmas Eve for a follow up after the attempt at surgery. We dropped Allie off at my mom's house and headed that way. The song "Oh Holy Night" was playing on the radio and it was rainy and dreary outside. I have felt pretty ok after surgery but for some reason riding in the car that morning and listening to that song made me fall to pieces. I cried all the way there and the whole time in the waiting room. Simply said, cancer is just sad. There was a Christmas program on in the waiting room and listening to that and observing all of the people in the waiting room didn't help the tears. It just hurts so many people...there was an elderly man with his wife, a young dad with his two boys, a grandmother with her grandson, and a couple of people just sitting alone in their wheelchairs. The saddest part is that we were all there waiting and wanting good news on Christmas Eve. I think I was anxious to get my plan and drive home as fast as I could to share the news with Mom. I certainly wasn't expecting what was about to happen. My doctor said that I would have to have chemo once a week for the rest of my life. He asked me what my thoughts were and I pretty much said that I hated it and didn't want to do it but I knew that I didn't have a choice. The drug of choice for this chemo is one that I had at the beginning of my first round of chemo. I was taken off of it because it made me so sick that I couldn't function. He told me that he knew it was going to be hard but that we had to pull out all of the ammo and that is the best drug to treat this with. He explained to us that the cancer would eventually become immune to the drug and it would stop working. At that point, he will switch me to another drug and the cycle starts again. We will just keep switching around.  I will have a scan in three months. I was excited and asked, "What if I get the scan and it looks really good, then what!?" He just looked at me and said "Then we just keep on going with the chemo." After that I threw out the question that probably everyone in my situation asks, "I know you cant predict the future, but how long do you think I will live?" I'm not sure why I asked because I knew that I wouldn't get an answer. He told me that I wasn't a statistic but a person and he couldn't put a number on my life. My mind was holding information from earlier and throwing it around in my mind as he was speaking. Earlier in the conversation when talking about my hair he said, "For the rest of your life, expect not to have hair." He also said, "You will do chemo the rest of your life." Later, after talking about doing the chemo, I asked him if I was living in 30 years if I would still be doing chemo and he said, "NO! If you make it 5 years with nothing then you are off of the chemo!!" So, throwing all of that together and coming to my own conclusion I felt like he was thinking that making it five years would be a miracle. From a medical standpoint I feel like everything is stacked against me. I feel like I will do the chemo, become immune to it all and basically have nothing else left to try. But, when I put all of the medicine to the side, and focus on God, I don't think any of the other matters. I know doctors can say that I will live 2 months and I could make it 30 years! God is the only one that can fix this. Many times this week I have caught myself doing things without realizing it. I've slowly let Alan and Allie work things out instead of barging in the middle of what they are doing. Instead of explaining to Alan how to play a certain game her way, I sit back and let the two of them figure it out. Allie was hollering the other night, "That's not how Mommy plays, that's not how Mommy plays!!" She wanted to play dominoes and apparently he didn't set his up like I did. So, I just told her that they could play it differently and that it was fine. In the back of my mind, without realizing it, I was taking a backseat to things because I honestly felt like there would be a time when I wouldn't be here and I wanted to make sure things would be fine.  Alan and mom get furious when I think like that but from time to time I cant help it! Wrapping all of this up, I will go back for one more visit before chemo starts. He said that I would probably start my first treatment around the 12th of January. Until then, I am going to be crazily happy and enjoy my last weeks feeling good and having hair! :)

The Last 3 Days

Well, things certainly didn't go the way I had planned. The last couple of days I have been a total mess. I knew that my surgery would last 12 hours so as soon as I woke up I asked the nurse what time it was. She told me it was ten and I was so pumped. I told her that I couldn't believe how late it was and then she told me it was ten in the morning. I knew right away that meant I had only been in surgery two hours and that nothing had been done. My stomach sank and I immediately panicked. How did this happen? I was so worried about my family. Alan was gone to get a drink when the doctor came out. Mom spotted him and knew right away something was wrong or he wouldn't be out  so early. She ran to him and asked if something was wrong. He said that he was sorry but they couldn't continue with the surgery. I learned later that mom cried so hard she almost collapsed so they sent the family to a private waiting room to calm down. They wheeled me up to my room and then let all of my family come in. It was like a scene from a movie. Everyone was standing around my bed bawling like crazy as they were telling me that everything was going to be ok. The first night was rough. After everything got quiet, we turned the lights off and settled in for the night. I think that was the most lonely feeling that I have had in a long time. The night was so long and I thought about everything constantly. My doctor came in the following morning and went over everything with us. Basically, there isn't a cure and my only option is to do chemo for the rest of my life. I will always have the cancer but if it can stay as it is and not continue to spread then I may be ok. If the chemo doesn't keep it from spreading I will be in a bad spot. Recovery is going slow. I have a cut that is about 12 inches long so it is taking some time for me to get up on my own. Today was one of the hardest days. I slept about 8 hours during the day and was sick for about 2 hours. I did manage to get up and walk down the hall with help from mom and Alan. Things are just too hard to understand lately. There have been several people from our church that have come by and they have really lifted my spirits. As always, I appreciate the cards, emails and visits. I know that I have not responded to many because I have been so overwhelmed with everything going on but you all help me through each day.  This is the toughest thing that I have ever faced and my body just feels so tired but I'm going to fight with all that I have!

Alan's Blog Now!

After talking with the doctor, we have realized the true extent of Summer's cancer. While in surgery, the doctor found a nodule that he thought was simply scar tissue but when the pathology report came back, it was positive for cancer. The nodule was located on the abdomen wall which is why the surgery was stopped. Although this is bad news, the cancer is still confined to a small area. The doctor explained it as a six inch area, from top to bottom, that they were working in...couldn't tell that from the size of the incision!!! Other than the one nodule the rest of the pelvic area looked great. So we are no better but no worse off than before the surgery, just better informed. Any further surgery at this point and probably in the future is out of the question. This means more chemo and possibly maintenance chemo for the rest of Summer's life. At the end of the day, it's not about the hard times ahead but making sure Summer sees Allie grow up to become as great a person as Summer is...she is truly a "mini me" of Summer. I know it will be tough but we have a long life ahead and we are going to enjoy every minute of it. GOD is leading up to something greater than we can comprehend and HE isn't done working in Summer's life. GOD has blessed us with a beautiful daughter and a great life with great friends and family. We thank HIM everyday for the wonderful blessings in our life and hope you will continue your prayers for Summer. The encouragement she is getting from Facebook and this blog has had a huge impact and as much as everyone wants to see/be with Summer, I think she needs her rest so she can continue her recovery. We could possibly be out of the hospital as soon as Friday but Summer has to hit her milestones first. Once we get home, I will let everyone know our hours of operation...and the admission fee. j/k!!

GOD is GREAT!!

Update From Summer's Sister, Lynley

I am so sorry to report that they were not able to continue with the surgery this morning. The cancer has spread beyond the realm of the surgery. We ask that everyone continue praying for Summer as she decides how to move forward. Please allow the family to spend this time alone with her, and we will update when she is ready for visitors.

The Countdown Begins

Well, I'm getting down to the last days before the big day. Things have been so wonderful lately. I took a trip to Branson with my mom and we shopped and shopped and shopped. It was the best time that I have had in months. We celebrated Christmas yesterday and it was amazing. Friends from facebook posted messages throughout the day wishing me a merry Christmas. It actually felt like it was Christmas day and that we weren't even celebrating early. Everyone has been so supportive and are praying continuously. Some old friends from high school got together and surprised me with a gift last Thursday. I was shocked for hours because some of the girls I haven't talked to in at least 10 years. Everyone is so thoughtful and it's just amazing that so many people would come together and do something so great for me. I have had lots of time to come to terms with things and it has been easier the last week or so. Yesterday and especially today the nervousness has set in. I had my pre-op appointment Friday and the doctors went over every step of the surgery. They told me that I may wake up with an epidural to help with the pain for a couple of days. I am beginning to feel a slight bit of panic but know that it will be over soon. This is my last day to eat so my husband and I are planning to go to dinner with some great friends. I feel like this is really my last day to be the old me. No matter what the outcome may be, I will be a changed person when I wake up. Either I will get through the surgery and begin the recovery process or I will wake up to discover that I need to start figuring out another plan. I have to be in the hospital at 6 am on Wednesday and if everything works out I should be in surgery until 8 or 9 Wednesday night.  My sister is going to keep my blog updated while I am away.

Decision Time

I had an aunt that passed away in April. She has such an amazing story. She had cerebral palsy and walked only with crutches. Doctors told her she could never carry a child but she married and gave birth to a son. She was told numerous times that she wouldn't make it to her next birthday. She was forced to have one of her legs amputated and was confined to a wheelchair for the rest of her life. With all of that, she was one of the happiest people I have ever met. There wasn't a day in her life that she wasn't in pain but her faith in God and will to survive was an inspiration to everyone. Watching her made me want to be a better person. It took all of this time for me to realize that I don't have to be perfect to be a great person, an amazing mom, wife, daughter, sister and friend.  With that being said, I have decided to have the surgery! I have prayed for the right answer and have prayed for peace to come along with my decision. Yesterday morning I sat in the floor and prayed out loud to God. By the afternoon, I knew that I wanted to have the surgery and I knew that I could adjust to all of the changes that came with the surgery. Mom told me that she didn't care about anything as long as she had my face and my heart here with her. My appointment with the surgeon went really well. I feel like things are finally working out and all of my questions are being answered. We aren't in the clear but for now this is exactly what I have prayed for. The only catch with this is that the doctor will go in and explore the area and all of the surrounding tissue before proceeding. If any of the cancer has spread outside of the pelvic area, the doctor will stitch me back up and the surgery will be called off. If that happens I will have chemo for the rest of my days but there will not be a cure. If the cancer hasn't spread outside of that region, he will do the surgery and I will have an 80% chance of being cured. For now the surgery is scheduled on the 15th of December and I will probably be in the hospital for the rest of the year. I will miss Christmas at home but I have to rejoice in the fact that this may save my life and allow me to have many other holidays to celebrate. We have decided to have Christmas the Sunday before the surgery. Allie doesn't understand dates or the calendar yet so she will be happy as can be. Thank you all so much for continuing to pray.  "Evening, morning, and noon I cry out in distress, and He hears my voice."  (Psalms 55:17)   I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving...I know that I have so much to be thankful for! :)

Keep On Keeping On

We made it back from Houston and I was so happy to get back to my bed and my doggies.  We spent our last day shopping while Alan worked. I kind of got bummed on the way back because I felt like the whole trip was a total waste. I had one option that was ridiculous to me and another option that would not cure me. In the back of my mind I was still a little relieved that I had one more appointment on Friday. It kept me upbeat because I knew that I would have another opinion to look forward to. Mom, Alan and Allie joined me for the doctor visit on Friday. He came in and hugged us all and apologized to us for not preparing us for what MD Anderson was going to suggest. He looked me in the eyes and said that he was so sorry but the best way out of this would be the surgery. On top of that, it still isn't a guarantee to be done with all of this.  I know many of you are thinking, "Uh...Why wouldn't you do the surgery if that is your best chance at being cured?" The surgery would change our lives forever. There will be months and months of recovery and the risk of infection is great. Physically and emotionally the surgery will be hard to adjust to. My other option is to try chemo and see if the tumor can shrink and then try a smaller surgery and see what happens. The doctor explained that for a tumor the size of a bean to form, millions of cancer cells are present. Hundreds to thousands of cells can exist and not show up on a scan. For this tumor to have formed, lots of the cancer cells were not killed through all of the radiation and 7 months of chemo that I did. Those that don't die continue to multiply. For that reason, chemo will probably do nothing to the older cells that withstood the last round. If they are all cut out and the new ones are killed with another round of chemo it would be great. But, there is no way to tell if every cell will be taken out without doing the drastic surgery.  We made an appointment at UAMS to talk with a surgeon on Wednesday. He will give us our options as far as surgery goes. This is my last chance...I guess the final word. The doctor on Friday said that if I didn't have surgery scheduled, he expected me in his office next Monday morning to start chemo. This decision is huge! I feel one way then another way and then back to not knowing what I am doing. I have a short time to figure it out and then I guess there is no turning back. I pray for peace to come with the decision that I make. No one can decide for me and I think that is the hardest part so far.

Tired In Texas

Wow...I don't even know where to start. Today definitely didn't go the way I wanted it to. We were up bright and early this morning. We went downstairs at 7:30 and had coffee while waiting for the shuttle to the hospital. There were many people in the lobby that were also going to MD Anderson. For some reason, I went right up to this lady and just started chatting with her and asked her to kind of show me where I needed to go once I got to the hospital. We knew each other for about 30 minutes and when we parted ways in the lobby of the hospital, her eyes watered up as she wished me luck. It was a feeling that I had never before experienced. Once we figured out where we were supposed to go, we waited for what seemed like forever. Mom and I read and Alan worked. Finally about three hours later they called me back. They did an exam and also did a biopsy. After the exam, we all went into a conference room and waited for the doctor to come in and talk to us. Then came the hard part. I don't even know how to say this. The doctor said that if I was eligible for this certain kind of surgery and it worked, I would be cured. Since my cancer had also invaded my ovaries, I may not be a candidate for it. The surgery is very complicated and is life changing. She explained to me that the only way for me to be well would be to take out tissue and organs including my bladder and colon. After that extensive surgery, I would have to have reconstructive surgery. There are many risks and complications associated with the procedures. The other option is chemo only. My doctor explained that doing chemo alone would only help me live a little longer but would not be a cure. Right now I know for sure that the surgery is not an option for me. Alan called my doctor back in Little Rock and we are going to see him at the end of the week. Alan wants to see someone else to see if there is anything that anyone else can offer. We didn't get back to the hotel until after 5 tonight. As we were waiting for the shuttle I started thinking about things from the past. I was just thinking how a year ago I was talking with my sister about getting old. We both agreed that we didn't want wrinkles and didn't want to start wearing nerdy clothes.  After all of this, I would happily welcome 100 new wrinkles and I would be ecstatic to sport around in my elastic waist jeans pulled up to my collar bone. :)

Sorry for the typos or if I ramble a little...It's been a LONG and exhausting day. I'll continue after I see another doctor on Friday.  Please continue to pray for us during this difficult time.

Finally...I Can Breathe

I am so sorry that it has taken me so long to update. The day started off great! A lady from my insurance company called to tell me that they would cover MD Anderson! It was such a relief. I was in Panera with my mom eating lunch and I could hardly eat because I was so excited! After the good news I was feeling all happy with myself. My appointment with the doctor was at 12:30 and we waited and waited and waited. I couldn't decide if I wanted to scream or cry or laugh because I was so tired of sitting waiting for my name to be called. The nurse finally called us back about 2:45 and we had to go through the normal routine of pointless chit chat. Finally I stopped her and said, "I can't wait any longer! Please, please get the doctor and tell me the results of my scan!" About 3 hours after my appointment time, the doctor finally gave us the news. The cancer hasn't spread to any of my other organs. This is what we have all prayed for. I knew that the cancer had returned but we weren't sure if it had spread. The doctor said that the cancer has formed into a mass but the pet scan was unable to determine the size of it. So....even though this is awful, it's the best that I could have wished for. We are going to Houston Monday and will be gone for the week. It's going to be busy but I am anxious to get there and get started. We've planned a little shopping trip and a couple of restaurants that I would like to try if I feel up to it. I figured we could make the best out of a bad situation. I'm looking forward to the week ahead. Allie is going with us so we can all be together and we got a house sitter to take care of things here. Hopefully I wont think of anything else to worry about between now and then.  Thank you all so much for praying!

Fa la la la laaaa

I heard Alan coming down the stairs... "WHAT? Are you kidding me!? Summer...for real!!??" Yep, I decided to put the Christmas tree up on November 6th, three weeks before Thanksgiving. It just makes me feel good to see all the Christmas stuff and look through all of the ornaments. Alan seriously thinks I've lost my mind. He told me to take my tree out to the dog's room and let them enjoy it until a week before Christmas and then I could drag it back in. It really is way too early but it's helping to keep my mind off of things! So...we made it to the doctor on Friday. Alan got stuck in the waiting room talking to a lady that was 81 and she was going on and on about Peggy and Susie and Maxine and blah blah blah. I was filling out paperwork and Alan interrupted me and said, "Here, I'll take that up there and finish it for you."  I looked at him and smiled and told him that I was doing just fine and he could sit and chat with his new friend. I think he wanted to trip me after that. The doctor talked to us for about 30 minutes. He said they've tried everything and my body isn't responding the way that it should. Apparently what is happening is rare and the doctor said we should start praying for miracles.  :(  He feels 100 percent that MD Anderson is where I need to go. So, they are going to try and work on insurance and see if they will cover it because I have been to 5 doctors in Arkansas and nothing is working. If they cover it, that will be wonderful. If not, we are going anyway!! I am doing my scan on Wednesday at 7:30 in the morning and I have an appointment to get the results on Thursday at 12:30.  Our prayer is that the scan will show little or no cancer outside of the initial place it was detected.  My appointment in Houston will be 1 to 2 weeks away and Ill probably get the appointment date and time when I go in Thursday. I don't know if i am in denial or what because I am still feeling ok about things. The mornings are the worst but after the initial shock of knowing that I'm not dreaming, my mind starts to slowly calm down. Hopefully when I write on Thursday I'll feel much better. :)

Moving Forward

I love the look on Allie's face when she sees my eyes pop open for the first time in the morning. It's like me opening my eyes is the most exciting thing she has ever seen. Today I was anxious to get her off to Mother's Day Out so that I could begin my list of phone calls. Things didn't go exactly as planned. Yesterday I found out that my insurance company wouldn't cover Cancer Treatment Centers of America in Chicago.  I was a little bummed but quickly got over it because I had a few back up plans.  Alan spoke to my doctor and he said that MD Anderson in Houston was definitely where I needed to be. He told Alan that he didn't believe there was anything else that the doctors in Arkansas could do for me.  After talking to the insurance company again this morning, I was told that they would not cover MD Anderson either. We would be responsible for 50 percent of everything out of state. Obviously that isn't even an option for us. It would be hundreds of thousands of dollars. We have decided that I am going to switch to a different doctor in Little Rock and maybe when I can get on Alan's work insurance, we may have more options. Right now we don't have any other choice. The new doctor told us that as soon as I could gather all of my files from the other doctors that he would fit me in the same day. Tomorrow we will be traveling to UAMS, Baptist in NLR, Carti and about 5 billion other places that have files with my name on them. If we can get that done, I can be seen and have a scan!  It looks like I may have an appointment Friday or Monday at the latest. On another note, I have received SO many emails, texts, and facebook messages. Everyone has been super supportive. At church on Wednesday our class made a circle around me, held one another and said a special prayer. Everyone cried but it was a good cry...like one that everyone needs to have every once in a while.  :) I'll continue when I get scan results.

Past, Present, Future

Well, after telling the same story a billion times, I decided that I would create a blog. I am inviting you all to be a part of the journey ahead. Most of you know that I found out that I had cervical cancer in 2007 after Allie Anne was born. Well, it has been a long 3 years of tests, surgeries, chemo and radiation. I was diagnosed at stage IV and finished my chemo in January of this year. In the following months, I had numerous follow ups and a body scan in March. All of my tests came back clear and my body scans showed no sign of cancer anywhere. My hair is starting to grow and I am feeling normal again! Alan and I started the adoption process and were so happy thinking about having an addition to our family. I went in for a routine follow up last week and was feeling all happy about myself and about my new doctor. The doctor said that he would have his nurse call me either way with my results. So, Monday I finally got the call...only it wasn't the nurse, it was my doctor. I knew right away that something wasn't right. So, long story short, I have cancer again. He said that there was no way to tell if this is new or something that was left behind and is just now showing up.  He said that when this type of cancer comes back it normally comes back worse (Not sure how it gets worse than stage IV :) ).  He is sending me to a place in Houston, TX for treatment. Today I have been waiting for phone calls from different doctors trying to make sense of all of this and trying to figure out the next steps. I have a body scan set up for Wednesday to give us a better idea of what we are dealing with. Hopefully in the next day I will have a definite plan of what lies ahead. I talked with Cancer Treatment Centers of America earlier today and that is also a possibility. They can fly Alan and I up to Chicago for 5 days to talk to doctors and see what all they have to offer, so it is definitely a possibility too. Either way, I will be flying out for chemo, staying a couple of days, and then returning home right after. Not sure how many months that will last. I don't have much to go on right now. I do know that I am scared to death!! I was fine when I found out, but today I woke up feeling like I had lost my best friend or something. I breezed through it the first time so hopefully I can do it again. I will keep you all posted with new news and our plan for treatment.