The Last 3 Days

Well, things certainly didn't go the way I had planned. The last couple of days I have been a total mess. I knew that my surgery would last 12 hours so as soon as I woke up I asked the nurse what time it was. She told me it was ten and I was so pumped. I told her that I couldn't believe how late it was and then she told me it was ten in the morning. I knew right away that meant I had only been in surgery two hours and that nothing had been done. My stomach sank and I immediately panicked. How did this happen? I was so worried about my family. Alan was gone to get a drink when the doctor came out. Mom spotted him and knew right away something was wrong or he wouldn't be out  so early. She ran to him and asked if something was wrong. He said that he was sorry but they couldn't continue with the surgery. I learned later that mom cried so hard she almost collapsed so they sent the family to a private waiting room to calm down. They wheeled me up to my room and then let all of my family come in. It was like a scene from a movie. Everyone was standing around my bed bawling like crazy as they were telling me that everything was going to be ok. The first night was rough. After everything got quiet, we turned the lights off and settled in for the night. I think that was the most lonely feeling that I have had in a long time. The night was so long and I thought about everything constantly. My doctor came in the following morning and went over everything with us. Basically, there isn't a cure and my only option is to do chemo for the rest of my life. I will always have the cancer but if it can stay as it is and not continue to spread then I may be ok. If the chemo doesn't keep it from spreading I will be in a bad spot. Recovery is going slow. I have a cut that is about 12 inches long so it is taking some time for me to get up on my own. Today was one of the hardest days. I slept about 8 hours during the day and was sick for about 2 hours. I did manage to get up and walk down the hall with help from mom and Alan. Things are just too hard to understand lately. There have been several people from our church that have come by and they have really lifted my spirits. As always, I appreciate the cards, emails and visits. I know that I have not responded to many because I have been so overwhelmed with everything going on but you all help me through each day.  This is the toughest thing that I have ever faced and my body just feels so tired but I'm going to fight with all that I have!