Keep On Keeping On

We made it back from Houston and I was so happy to get back to my bed and my doggies.  We spent our last day shopping while Alan worked. I kind of got bummed on the way back because I felt like the whole trip was a total waste. I had one option that was ridiculous to me and another option that would not cure me. In the back of my mind I was still a little relieved that I had one more appointment on Friday. It kept me upbeat because I knew that I would have another opinion to look forward to. Mom, Alan and Allie joined me for the doctor visit on Friday. He came in and hugged us all and apologized to us for not preparing us for what MD Anderson was going to suggest. He looked me in the eyes and said that he was so sorry but the best way out of this would be the surgery. On top of that, it still isn't a guarantee to be done with all of this.  I know many of you are thinking, "Uh...Why wouldn't you do the surgery if that is your best chance at being cured?" The surgery would change our lives forever. There will be months and months of recovery and the risk of infection is great. Physically and emotionally the surgery will be hard to adjust to. My other option is to try chemo and see if the tumor can shrink and then try a smaller surgery and see what happens. The doctor explained that for a tumor the size of a bean to form, millions of cancer cells are present. Hundreds to thousands of cells can exist and not show up on a scan. For this tumor to have formed, lots of the cancer cells were not killed through all of the radiation and 7 months of chemo that I did. Those that don't die continue to multiply. For that reason, chemo will probably do nothing to the older cells that withstood the last round. If they are all cut out and the new ones are killed with another round of chemo it would be great. But, there is no way to tell if every cell will be taken out without doing the drastic surgery.  We made an appointment at UAMS to talk with a surgeon on Wednesday. He will give us our options as far as surgery goes. This is my last chance...I guess the final word. The doctor on Friday said that if I didn't have surgery scheduled, he expected me in his office next Monday morning to start chemo. This decision is huge! I feel one way then another way and then back to not knowing what I am doing. I have a short time to figure it out and then I guess there is no turning back. I pray for peace to come with the decision that I make. No one can decide for me and I think that is the hardest part so far.