Feeling Like Myself Again

Well, I survived the first week! It was tough and there were a couple of times when I threw myself a pity party and decided that I couldn't do it, but I finally got over the slump and pulled through the rough days.  I was pretty sick the entire week and felt like I was constantly taking Tylenol pm or something. Just when I thought that I wasn't going to be able to do it any longer, I woke up today feeling great! Mom came over and cooked some greens (lol) and we put up laundry, talked and played with Allie. I had a doctor appointment at 5 to check my bloodcounts after chemo and to get results from a CT scan that I had on Friday. All of my counts were under normal and if things continue as they usually do they will drop more next week. Last spring when I had a CT scan it came back normal. In October, I had a PET scan and it showed a tumor as well as other cancer cells. The CT scan I had on Friday showed nothing. Obviously the CT doesn't show the same things as the PET scan. It kind of confuses me especially when a surgeon went in a month ago and saw the tumor but it didn't show up on this scan. :(  So, that kind of felt like a waste of time but we will keep on keeping on! The last round of chemo my hair fell out about 14 days after the first treatment. It's been 7 and I've given my hair the hard pull test and it's still hanging in there but my eyelashes have started falling out. During chemo last time I had 4 eyelashes left and I put mascara on those four lashes every single morning for 9 months :). Everyone told me to pull them out but I was too proud of them!!

So many of you have written me about the dog eating my breakfast and how funny it was.  Let me back up some for those of you that I don't talk to every day. Dogs are my world but for some reason the last two weeks I have had super bad luck with them. Here is the timeline. Thursday, one of our basset hounds unexpectedly passed away. Friday, while coming home from dinner, my car went BUMP BUMP BUMP and Alan and I looked at each other trying to figure out what happened. I wasn't sure if I hit a pot hole or ran into another car or what. The front of my car was completely torn up so we circled the block and got back on North Hills looking for evidence of what could have gone wrong. Off in the distance, we saw a Lab running around. He was fine but I had hit him. So at 9:00 pm it was 30 degrees outside and I am chasing this dog around the neighborhood trying to make sure he is ok.  I didn't want him to get away because I wanted to find his owner.  I am thinking of course he isn't coming to me, he doesn't know me. I figured, well, most dogs have two syllable names so I'll just call the dog with a two syllable noise and it might come. I followed that darn dog for 30 minutes calling, "Huh Huuuuh...Huh Huuuuuh".  Finally I got to the dog and it trusted me enough for me to reach its tag. Of all two syllable great dog names, his name had to be Beau! No wonder he wasn't falling for my call, he probably thought I was a nutcase chasing him around calling him like that. The following night when I went out to feed my two dogs, my other little basset, Lucy, starts convulsing and throws up all over my favorite Toms.  So...to top the week off...the other dog eats my breakfast! ;) You win some, you lose some!

First One Down

Toast, applesauce...toast, apple juice...toast, apple juice, soup. Hopefully by tomorrow I can add something new to the food chart! It's so funny that Alan and I knew that I wouldn't feel like eating after chemo probably until Thursday or Friday. He went out Monday morning and got breakfast and I was so excited because I normally don't eat a big, greasy, fatty meal. Allie was still in bed when he got back and I was even more excited to get to eat in peace! :) I sat down in the floor and placed my food just right with my juice and napkin placed nicely to one side. I took one bite and it was absolutely delicious! The doorbell rang and my hair was a disaster so I ran upstairs to hide. Our neighbor dropped by to borrow a tool from Alan. He is super nice and has a little dog that Allie loves to play with. He brought his dog along with him. They talked and I heard Alan raise his voice a tad bit at the dog. So, when I came downstairs I had a nice surprise. My breakfast was gone except for one little piece with dog drool on it. I wanted it so bad I was tempted to eat it anyway. Lol.  The chemo went well and the nurses and staff were the nicest I have met at any clinic. It took about 5 hours total to get my bloodwork done and get all of the chemo drugs. Monday night when I got home I was extremely sick and thought that there was no way to make it through this. By Tuesday morning I felt a little better and went in for fluids and stomach meds. The fluids are put through my iv and help things so much. Last night was a little better but the steroids kept me up for what seemed like forever. For the first time, Allie spent the night with a friend and we watched 3 movies in a row before falling asleep.  Today I went for fluids again and am feeling somewhat better. I haven't been able to eat yet but hopefully tomorrow will be the day. I am going to have a scan on Friday just to see exactly where I am starting from so we can see how the chemo drugs are changing things over the next months. I had one in October but things have had time to change and move since then. We are going to continue this treatment for 3 months and do another scan. I wake up every day with tons of emails and posts on facebook. I don't always respond but please know that every single word that I read encourages me and helps me through this. Ive taken on a new job since being sick...I need a black and white striped shirt and a whistle. Every morning Alan and Allie fuss while I referee from the bedroom. They are downstairs trying to get out of the door and she is crying about this and that and he is wanting to bang his head in the wall. I'm upstairs yelling trying to tell him what it is she wants...it's just a mad house but I wouldn't have it any other way! :)

The Time Has Come!!!

When I was little my mom used to curl my hair with rollers and as soon as she got done I would run to the bed, mess it up as much as I could and hide under the bed. I hated it so much that I wouldn't come out until she found me and pulled me out with me kicking and screaming. That is EXACTLY how I feel this morning. lol.  I don't want to go and my mind keeps trying to think of some way to get out of it.  The last time I had chemo it was at a different office with different doctors, nurses and procedures. Today I don't know how things will work and I'm so nervous. Will the nurses be nice or cold and pushy? Will they understand if I feel like I'm going to pass out or will they brush it off and tell me I'm fine? So many thoughts are running through my mind. I want to know what its like and get comfortable before I'm forced to laugh at someones story, hear about the kids or talk about where I am from. The funny thing is that today should be the least of my worries. This week I get to see what the rest of my life is going to be like! Normally the third day is the worst and things slowly lighten up. When I did chemo on Monday things started going downhill late Tuesday night and Wednesday was horrible! I gotta get going...2 hours until time. Please pray for me today and especially for the days to follow.

YES!

We went to the doctor on Friday for my chat time before the first chemo. The doctor walked in and handed Alan a paper that looked like it came from a binder. Alan was reading it and the doctor was just staring at him smiling. "What!? Tell me what y'all are talking about!" A drug was approved from the FDA this month for treating stage IV cervical cancer!! How did this happen the week before I was about to start treatment...Just in time! It's an old drug that has been used for lung cancer but went through clinical trials and now is approved for cervical cancer. It is not a cure but the patients in the trials lived much longer. I will have the new drug added to the other drugs that he was already planning on using.  The doctor's only concern is that the drug is totally going to knock my immune system out and my bone marrow may stop producing. Last round, I had a hard time keeping my white blood counts up but maybe this time will be different.  My incision wasn't healed enough to start treatment yesterday so he moved my first round to the 17th. I'm really happy because it gave me time to play in the snow and enjoy the weekend.  I'm spending this week eating all of the healthy foods that I can get my hands on.  I still manage to leave plenty of room for Snickers, cookies and brownies though!  :)

A New Year

I haven't written in a week or so because I have been so overwhelmed with everything going on. When I started chemo back in 2009 I met a lady who was 37 and battling breast cancer. We quickly became friends and started the journey together. We stayed on the same schedule so every three weeks we would sit side by side and chat about anything and everything in the world. After chemo we stayed in touch and called each other when we felt that no one else could understand. We talked about our fears, family, dying and recurrences. It was just so nice to talk to someone that could complete my every thought! In the spring of 2010 we were both ecstatic about clean scans. Shortly after, hers came back and she started fighting once again. I just couldn't believe it. Months later, I learned that my cancer was also back. She was getting well, her tumors were shrinking and things were turning around for her. She even got a clean scan in December! The week that I went in for surgery, she was admitted to the hospital after feeling very ill. She later learned that the cancer had spread to her brain. I went to see her at the end of December and I cannot explain the feelings that I experienced. I walked to her bed to see her suffering and fighting for her life. She could hardly speak but her first words were "How are you? How did your surgery go? I love you." She was laying in bed hooked to machines fighting but worried about me. As I talked to her and stared in her eyes, it was like I was seeing myself laying in her bed and MY family standing all around. Suddenly, I realized what I haven't in the past. Here was a beautiful wife and mother that fought with everything she had but in the end she was still taken too early. She died on New Years Day. I saw first hand that things can be completely wonderful and three weeks later life can end unexpectedly. It's hard to have hope when you see a friend go through something like this. I miss her smiling face!

After all of that, I had a super hard time dealing with my diagnosis. Every time that I thought things were ok, I would think about Diane it would set me into a full blown panic attack. It's just hard! A friend of mine brought me the book "There's No Place Like Hope" and it has helped me SO much in the last couple of days. There is a line in the book that I love and I try to think of it every time I get scared. "Never place a period in your life where God meant to place a comma."  God knows how long I am staying here, the doctors do not! I got a port put in yesterday and that went really well. I am healing well from my incision from surgery and trying to get back to normal. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to get my chemo schedule but I am pretty sure it will start again this Monday. I have had so much support from family and friends. Allie has had tons of play dates and she loves it.  Alan and I have stayed up talking until after 2 in the morning some nights and that has also helped. I love it when I can say whatever is on my mind and ask and say the same thing 100 times but never have to feel stupid about it! Allie told me that she was ok with my hair falling out again because I was going to look just like Calliou! Calliou is her favorite cartoon and the little boy is bald. :)  She was playing birthday party the other day and pretended to blow the candles out. Right before she said, "I wish that mommy would feel better." Although she has a mean streak and can be hard headed at times, she is the sweetest little girl in the world!