The Plan

Alan and I went to my chemo doctor on Christmas Eve for a follow up after the attempt at surgery. We dropped Allie off at my mom's house and headed that way. The song "Oh Holy Night" was playing on the radio and it was rainy and dreary outside. I have felt pretty ok after surgery but for some reason riding in the car that morning and listening to that song made me fall to pieces. I cried all the way there and the whole time in the waiting room. Simply said, cancer is just sad. There was a Christmas program on in the waiting room and listening to that and observing all of the people in the waiting room didn't help the tears. It just hurts so many people...there was an elderly man with his wife, a young dad with his two boys, a grandmother with her grandson, and a couple of people just sitting alone in their wheelchairs. The saddest part is that we were all there waiting and wanting good news on Christmas Eve. I think I was anxious to get my plan and drive home as fast as I could to share the news with Mom. I certainly wasn't expecting what was about to happen. My doctor said that I would have to have chemo once a week for the rest of my life. He asked me what my thoughts were and I pretty much said that I hated it and didn't want to do it but I knew that I didn't have a choice. The drug of choice for this chemo is one that I had at the beginning of my first round of chemo. I was taken off of it because it made me so sick that I couldn't function. He told me that he knew it was going to be hard but that we had to pull out all of the ammo and that is the best drug to treat this with. He explained to us that the cancer would eventually become immune to the drug and it would stop working. At that point, he will switch me to another drug and the cycle starts again. We will just keep switching around.  I will have a scan in three months. I was excited and asked, "What if I get the scan and it looks really good, then what!?" He just looked at me and said "Then we just keep on going with the chemo." After that I threw out the question that probably everyone in my situation asks, "I know you cant predict the future, but how long do you think I will live?" I'm not sure why I asked because I knew that I wouldn't get an answer. He told me that I wasn't a statistic but a person and he couldn't put a number on my life. My mind was holding information from earlier and throwing it around in my mind as he was speaking. Earlier in the conversation when talking about my hair he said, "For the rest of your life, expect not to have hair." He also said, "You will do chemo the rest of your life." Later, after talking about doing the chemo, I asked him if I was living in 30 years if I would still be doing chemo and he said, "NO! If you make it 5 years with nothing then you are off of the chemo!!" So, throwing all of that together and coming to my own conclusion I felt like he was thinking that making it five years would be a miracle. From a medical standpoint I feel like everything is stacked against me. I feel like I will do the chemo, become immune to it all and basically have nothing else left to try. But, when I put all of the medicine to the side, and focus on God, I don't think any of the other matters. I know doctors can say that I will live 2 months and I could make it 30 years! God is the only one that can fix this. Many times this week I have caught myself doing things without realizing it. I've slowly let Alan and Allie work things out instead of barging in the middle of what they are doing. Instead of explaining to Alan how to play a certain game her way, I sit back and let the two of them figure it out. Allie was hollering the other night, "That's not how Mommy plays, that's not how Mommy plays!!" She wanted to play dominoes and apparently he didn't set his up like I did. So, I just told her that they could play it differently and that it was fine. In the back of my mind, without realizing it, I was taking a backseat to things because I honestly felt like there would be a time when I wouldn't be here and I wanted to make sure things would be fine.  Alan and mom get furious when I think like that but from time to time I cant help it! Wrapping all of this up, I will go back for one more visit before chemo starts. He said that I would probably start my first treatment around the 12th of January. Until then, I am going to be crazily happy and enjoy my last weeks feeling good and having hair! :)

The Last 3 Days

Well, things certainly didn't go the way I had planned. The last couple of days I have been a total mess. I knew that my surgery would last 12 hours so as soon as I woke up I asked the nurse what time it was. She told me it was ten and I was so pumped. I told her that I couldn't believe how late it was and then she told me it was ten in the morning. I knew right away that meant I had only been in surgery two hours and that nothing had been done. My stomach sank and I immediately panicked. How did this happen? I was so worried about my family. Alan was gone to get a drink when the doctor came out. Mom spotted him and knew right away something was wrong or he wouldn't be out  so early. She ran to him and asked if something was wrong. He said that he was sorry but they couldn't continue with the surgery. I learned later that mom cried so hard she almost collapsed so they sent the family to a private waiting room to calm down. They wheeled me up to my room and then let all of my family come in. It was like a scene from a movie. Everyone was standing around my bed bawling like crazy as they were telling me that everything was going to be ok. The first night was rough. After everything got quiet, we turned the lights off and settled in for the night. I think that was the most lonely feeling that I have had in a long time. The night was so long and I thought about everything constantly. My doctor came in the following morning and went over everything with us. Basically, there isn't a cure and my only option is to do chemo for the rest of my life. I will always have the cancer but if it can stay as it is and not continue to spread then I may be ok. If the chemo doesn't keep it from spreading I will be in a bad spot. Recovery is going slow. I have a cut that is about 12 inches long so it is taking some time for me to get up on my own. Today was one of the hardest days. I slept about 8 hours during the day and was sick for about 2 hours. I did manage to get up and walk down the hall with help from mom and Alan. Things are just too hard to understand lately. There have been several people from our church that have come by and they have really lifted my spirits. As always, I appreciate the cards, emails and visits. I know that I have not responded to many because I have been so overwhelmed with everything going on but you all help me through each day.  This is the toughest thing that I have ever faced and my body just feels so tired but I'm going to fight with all that I have!

Alan's Blog Now!

After talking with the doctor, we have realized the true extent of Summer's cancer. While in surgery, the doctor found a nodule that he thought was simply scar tissue but when the pathology report came back, it was positive for cancer. The nodule was located on the abdomen wall which is why the surgery was stopped. Although this is bad news, the cancer is still confined to a small area. The doctor explained it as a six inch area, from top to bottom, that they were working in...couldn't tell that from the size of the incision!!! Other than the one nodule the rest of the pelvic area looked great. So we are no better but no worse off than before the surgery, just better informed. Any further surgery at this point and probably in the future is out of the question. This means more chemo and possibly maintenance chemo for the rest of Summer's life. At the end of the day, it's not about the hard times ahead but making sure Summer sees Allie grow up to become as great a person as Summer is...she is truly a "mini me" of Summer. I know it will be tough but we have a long life ahead and we are going to enjoy every minute of it. GOD is leading up to something greater than we can comprehend and HE isn't done working in Summer's life. GOD has blessed us with a beautiful daughter and a great life with great friends and family. We thank HIM everyday for the wonderful blessings in our life and hope you will continue your prayers for Summer. The encouragement she is getting from Facebook and this blog has had a huge impact and as much as everyone wants to see/be with Summer, I think she needs her rest so she can continue her recovery. We could possibly be out of the hospital as soon as Friday but Summer has to hit her milestones first. Once we get home, I will let everyone know our hours of operation...and the admission fee. j/k!!

GOD is GREAT!!

Update From Summer's Sister, Lynley

I am so sorry to report that they were not able to continue with the surgery this morning. The cancer has spread beyond the realm of the surgery. We ask that everyone continue praying for Summer as she decides how to move forward. Please allow the family to spend this time alone with her, and we will update when she is ready for visitors.

The Countdown Begins

Well, I'm getting down to the last days before the big day. Things have been so wonderful lately. I took a trip to Branson with my mom and we shopped and shopped and shopped. It was the best time that I have had in months. We celebrated Christmas yesterday and it was amazing. Friends from facebook posted messages throughout the day wishing me a merry Christmas. It actually felt like it was Christmas day and that we weren't even celebrating early. Everyone has been so supportive and are praying continuously. Some old friends from high school got together and surprised me with a gift last Thursday. I was shocked for hours because some of the girls I haven't talked to in at least 10 years. Everyone is so thoughtful and it's just amazing that so many people would come together and do something so great for me. I have had lots of time to come to terms with things and it has been easier the last week or so. Yesterday and especially today the nervousness has set in. I had my pre-op appointment Friday and the doctors went over every step of the surgery. They told me that I may wake up with an epidural to help with the pain for a couple of days. I am beginning to feel a slight bit of panic but know that it will be over soon. This is my last day to eat so my husband and I are planning to go to dinner with some great friends. I feel like this is really my last day to be the old me. No matter what the outcome may be, I will be a changed person when I wake up. Either I will get through the surgery and begin the recovery process or I will wake up to discover that I need to start figuring out another plan. I have to be in the hospital at 6 am on Wednesday and if everything works out I should be in surgery until 8 or 9 Wednesday night.  My sister is going to keep my blog updated while I am away.