Tuesday, April 12, 2011
PET Scan Update!
Well...I had chemo first and while I was asleep they called me up front to see the doctor. He came in and just sat staring at us. I said, "OK, Let's get to it! Tell me about the scan...I can't wait any longer!" He just stared at the paper and handed it to us. His phone rang and he walked out for a minute. The bottom line read "No evidence of local recurrence, metastasis, or other significant abnormalities identified." The doctor came back in and told us that he was on the phone with the doctor at the PET Imaging Clinic. He said that he wanted to talk to the doctor there to see who read the scan because he just couldn't believe what the results were. We couldn't believe it either. We all just sat there looking at each other. Four months ago I was sitting in the same chair crying because I have stage IV cancer that has no cure. Right now we are going to continue with the same schedule. Chemo every other week and another scan in three months. The scan doesn't mean that the cancer is totally gone, it means that the tumors are gone and there aren't enough cells there to show up on a scan. Last time I had a tumor the size of an egg on the scan. My doctor that did my surgery did a physical exam and could actually feel the tumor so we are going back to see him soon to do another exam. We just pray that his exam matches the scan....that he cant feel it because its not there! Overall, I know that I'm not totally cured, but I can rest knowing that things seem to be getting better! My dear friend Brad sent me a text this afternoon that said, "There's not a cloud in the sky today, Summer. Gray skies are clearing up." I loved it. :) Thank you all so much for praying! This is amazing!
Sunday, April 10, 2011
So Much To Say
Well, first thing first...Disney World was amazing! Allie is the perfect age for it because she still believed all of the princesses were real. The look on her face as she watched the parades was priceless. There was one night at dinner when Prince Charming asked her to dance and she had such a big smile but still acted shy and it was so sweet it made me cry. It was one of the first nights we were there and I told Alan that it was one of the sweetest things I had seen in a long time. Our trip went great...until Alan had to call 911 for me. lol lol. Never a dull moment. On our last day there I kept kind of having fainting like spells but kept it to myself because I didn't want to miss one second at the parks. When we headed out, I almost fell down and that blew my cover. Later that night, I was still acting up and it ended up being dehydration and stress that was causing mini seizures. Strict instruction from the doctor was to drink 4 bottles of Gatorade a day. Well, I got there and decided I would have water once a day and a sprite here and there...Nowhere near the fluids I needed to be drinking. When all of this happened, I got a good long lecture from sweet ole Alan. I cant help but chuckle when he gets mad. He said, "SUMMER, this is the last time! I'm not kidding! The next time that you don't listen and do your own thing you can pack your bag and go to your moms or I'll put you in a nursing home!!" How do you not laugh at that when someone is so serious about it?? Point taken...I should and will listen from now on. I just always think I know better than everyone else. ;) I was so sad that my whole last day was spent inside but Allie didn't mind because she got to spend the whole afternoon at the pool. She's like a little fish so Mom stayed out with her until after 7 and she thought it was wonderful. Overall, it was everything that I had hoped for and even more. The important thing is the memories that I will always have of her little face in awe of everything.
There were times when I forgot about the cancer. I remember one day trottin out of our room and going to Epcot. Several people kept looking at me smiling and I thought "Oh, I must be looking really cute in my outfit today!" lol. I would just smile back and feel good about myself. Later when my scarf kept moving around I remembered and then realized that's why people were smiling at me. I guess to be nice after staring for a minute. It kind of reminded me of a time when Alan and I first started dating. We went to a hockey game and had a great time. He started staring in my eyes and then looking at my mouth. I thought, "Oh my gosh, he likes me so much he cant take his eyes off of me. I thought we were having a "moment" or something. Then all of the sudden he said..."Hey, you have a pimple right there." Here I was thinking I was all cute and thinking he was realizing how much he liked me and instead he was pimple searching. lol.
I mentioned a few posts back about our little basset hound, Lucy. She walked out of her room wagging her tail and I put her in the truck for the last time. I knew she was sick but I just didn't want it to be true. She started walking slowly and when I would call her from the deck her ears wouldn't perk up and she would just mosey on over to me. I chose to go to the vet alone, even though I knew what might happen. When I got there, the vet told me that there was no way to save her. "What if she got fluids and I took her back home? What if we continued the medication?" The vet told me that if I took her home she would eventually starve to death so at that point I knew I didn't have any other options. Alan texted me several times and I didn't answer because I wanted it to be time just spent with her. Weird feeling, but I knew that Alan would never understand or share the love I had for her and that's why I wanted it to be the two of us in her final hours. I sat down in the floor with her and talked to her and rubbed her ears. I loved that little girl! Right when I got home, I got in the shower and just thought about the last hour. The following afternoon, while doing laundry, I pulled out the shirt that I had worn at the vet. I just stood still looking at it and then smelled it...all over...hoping to find the slightest scent of Lucy on it. After I washed it, I threw it in the trash. I couldnt stand to even see it again because it hurt my feelings so bad. I also left her blanket that I had her wrapped in on the vet table for the same reason. :'(
Tomorrow is a big day for us. I am having another PET scan at 1:45 to see what the chemo has been doing for the last three months. I don't expect for it to be gone, but I do hope for shrinkage so that I know we are making progress. Ill get the results on Tuesday when I go for chemo. I'll report after the dr. visit.
There were times when I forgot about the cancer. I remember one day trottin out of our room and going to Epcot. Several people kept looking at me smiling and I thought "Oh, I must be looking really cute in my outfit today!" lol. I would just smile back and feel good about myself. Later when my scarf kept moving around I remembered and then realized that's why people were smiling at me. I guess to be nice after staring for a minute. It kind of reminded me of a time when Alan and I first started dating. We went to a hockey game and had a great time. He started staring in my eyes and then looking at my mouth. I thought, "Oh my gosh, he likes me so much he cant take his eyes off of me. I thought we were having a "moment" or something. Then all of the sudden he said..."Hey, you have a pimple right there." Here I was thinking I was all cute and thinking he was realizing how much he liked me and instead he was pimple searching. lol.
I mentioned a few posts back about our little basset hound, Lucy. She walked out of her room wagging her tail and I put her in the truck for the last time. I knew she was sick but I just didn't want it to be true. She started walking slowly and when I would call her from the deck her ears wouldn't perk up and she would just mosey on over to me. I chose to go to the vet alone, even though I knew what might happen. When I got there, the vet told me that there was no way to save her. "What if she got fluids and I took her back home? What if we continued the medication?" The vet told me that if I took her home she would eventually starve to death so at that point I knew I didn't have any other options. Alan texted me several times and I didn't answer because I wanted it to be time just spent with her. Weird feeling, but I knew that Alan would never understand or share the love I had for her and that's why I wanted it to be the two of us in her final hours. I sat down in the floor with her and talked to her and rubbed her ears. I loved that little girl! Right when I got home, I got in the shower and just thought about the last hour. The following afternoon, while doing laundry, I pulled out the shirt that I had worn at the vet. I just stood still looking at it and then smelled it...all over...hoping to find the slightest scent of Lucy on it. After I washed it, I threw it in the trash. I couldnt stand to even see it again because it hurt my feelings so bad. I also left her blanket that I had her wrapped in on the vet table for the same reason. :'(
Tomorrow is a big day for us. I am having another PET scan at 1:45 to see what the chemo has been doing for the last three months. I don't expect for it to be gone, but I do hope for shrinkage so that I know we are making progress. Ill get the results on Tuesday when I go for chemo. I'll report after the dr. visit.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Currently Glued to the Sofa
Not much to mention over the last couple of weeks. I went for chemo yesterday and the nurse told me my counts were really low to continue with chemo. I asked her to ask the doctor if I could go ahead with it anyway. He just laughed and said, "Don't you ever listen to me?" He always tells me I am so hard headed and wont listen to anything! So, I got to go ahead with it. I'll probably have to get blood again next week after taking this treatment on such low counts. After finding out my counts were low and I had started my treatment, mom called to tell me that Allie has strep throat. It was too late to turn back so I'll just have to keep myself locked away...not too bad at times. I'll get to watch my own movies and not Max & Ruby or Calliou! I've given up on the Gatorade fight and drink at least two a day. First it was giving up Starbucks, then Diet Coke, then caffeine and now it gets replaced with nasty Gatorade!
People always ask me how I deal with all of this. It's so hard to explain but while driving down the road the other day this came to mind. A much smaller scale but it feels like one would if they were dating a perfect guy, completely in love and then realizing it wasn't going to work out. Initially, you feel as if the world is over, you want to hide in the covers for days. And then each day becomes easier but every time it's mentioned you break down. Afterwards you get to the point where you accept it and life goes on. Then God has something else in store that you never would've thought of. You look back on it thinking, "Gosh, if I only knew this during that hard time". God knew all along what was best! It's the same feelings only much larger and deeper. Some people can relate to that and others think I've lost my mind! I think I am in the accepting it stage but not really to the good coming out of all of this stage.
It's hard to explain but chemo gives you what most call "Chemo Brain". After a while it becomes so comical. Allie was hungry the other day so I offered her chicken nuggets and some strawberries. She was all for it so I popped them in the microwave...takes 30 seconds. The timer was already set for 5 minutes so I left it and just thought I would just stop it in 30 seconds. 5 minutes later, when I heard the beep, i thought "what the heck was that noise?". Checked the house alarm and then checked my phone. Had no idea what it was until later when Allie reminded me she was hungry. Went in there and there were 4 pieces of something that looked like prunes...oh...guess I messed that up. I've also noticed that I see important papers or checks that need to be put in an important place so I put them somewhere that I know I can remember. Of course days later, Alan and I are digging the house apart trying to find my "important place". "SUMMER, just leave stuff alone! Glue yourself to the sofa and don't get up". That's become Alan's favorite line. I lose things, repeat myself 10 times, can't remember if I took my medicine today or if it was yesterday and try to do things that I've already done (clothes in the dryer, ironing stuff). Mom and I went to Target and went up to some car clicking the unlock button 5 times thinking the clicker was broken, before realizing it wasn't even my car. I was parked 4 rows over.
Alan told me forever ago that when he was younger that I was his dream girl...lol. We were talking about it on the way to the doctor yesterday. Aww, how sweet I thought to myself. That was quickly followed by "Little did I know that you would cost me a fortune going to the doctor 500 times a week!" He was kidding of course but it was funny. I think of it this way...with chemo, I don't have to spend 5 dollars a day on a non fat latte, buy hairspray or mousse, I use a dime size amount of shampoo instead of a dollar amount, and I could go two months without cleaning out my ears because my scarf covers them, j/k on that one but that's all money saved! lol
I have been pretty happy the last couple of weeks. I've had a couple of scared moments but they usually only last a minute or two. We have spent lots of time laughing and doing stupid childish things and playing jokes on one another. My favorite... Keep on keeping on!
People always ask me how I deal with all of this. It's so hard to explain but while driving down the road the other day this came to mind. A much smaller scale but it feels like one would if they were dating a perfect guy, completely in love and then realizing it wasn't going to work out. Initially, you feel as if the world is over, you want to hide in the covers for days. And then each day becomes easier but every time it's mentioned you break down. Afterwards you get to the point where you accept it and life goes on. Then God has something else in store that you never would've thought of. You look back on it thinking, "Gosh, if I only knew this during that hard time". God knew all along what was best! It's the same feelings only much larger and deeper. Some people can relate to that and others think I've lost my mind! I think I am in the accepting it stage but not really to the good coming out of all of this stage.
It's hard to explain but chemo gives you what most call "Chemo Brain". After a while it becomes so comical. Allie was hungry the other day so I offered her chicken nuggets and some strawberries. She was all for it so I popped them in the microwave...takes 30 seconds. The timer was already set for 5 minutes so I left it and just thought I would just stop it in 30 seconds. 5 minutes later, when I heard the beep, i thought "what the heck was that noise?". Checked the house alarm and then checked my phone. Had no idea what it was until later when Allie reminded me she was hungry. Went in there and there were 4 pieces of something that looked like prunes...oh...guess I messed that up. I've also noticed that I see important papers or checks that need to be put in an important place so I put them somewhere that I know I can remember. Of course days later, Alan and I are digging the house apart trying to find my "important place". "SUMMER, just leave stuff alone! Glue yourself to the sofa and don't get up". That's become Alan's favorite line. I lose things, repeat myself 10 times, can't remember if I took my medicine today or if it was yesterday and try to do things that I've already done (clothes in the dryer, ironing stuff). Mom and I went to Target and went up to some car clicking the unlock button 5 times thinking the clicker was broken, before realizing it wasn't even my car. I was parked 4 rows over.
Alan told me forever ago that when he was younger that I was his dream girl...lol. We were talking about it on the way to the doctor yesterday. Aww, how sweet I thought to myself. That was quickly followed by "Little did I know that you would cost me a fortune going to the doctor 500 times a week!" He was kidding of course but it was funny. I think of it this way...with chemo, I don't have to spend 5 dollars a day on a non fat latte, buy hairspray or mousse, I use a dime size amount of shampoo instead of a dollar amount, and I could go two months without cleaning out my ears because my scarf covers them, j/k on that one but that's all money saved! lol
I have been pretty happy the last couple of weeks. I've had a couple of scared moments but they usually only last a minute or two. We have spent lots of time laughing and doing stupid childish things and playing jokes on one another. My favorite... Keep on keeping on!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Fish Out of Water :)
Whew! Seems like the last two weeks have been two years! Two weeks ago Alan and I checked into Baptist and I got a blood transfusion because of such low blood counts. I wasn't sure what to expect but I was thinking an hour or two and I would be on my way. Yikes, not so much. We checked in at 11 and didn't get finished until 8:00 p.m. I was so aggravated at that bed, tv, and cold turkey and dressing that they kept bringing that I wanted to throw that tray down the hall! I have been so nervous about the blood situation because when you are watching someone elses blood go into your body it almost gives you a panic feeling. But, the good news is that people that donate aren't paid to give, so you are getting blood from people that really care about others. Hospitals can even tell the area that the blood was received from...mine was New York! The blood didn't really make me feel much better but I was super excited to get back to the doctor to see if the blood made a difference. Not so much. I haven't had a white count over 1.6 the whole time. I think it went up to 1.7 but low end of normal is 4.5. My red count went up about a point and that was it.
Last week, I think that I slept almost the whole entire week. I felt like I didn't care about anything other than taking a nap. Thankfully that feeling is gone and even with chemo yesterday I am feeling much better. I think all of the fluids and steroids have helped me to get on top of things. Friday night was somewhat of an experience. Alan, Allie, and I met his parents at Shotgun Dan's for dinner. Everything seemed fine but I had a few weird jumpy feelings while we were eating. I got home and went on with my night, playing with the dogs, running around with Allie and making sure to take all of my medication. We got in bed about 11 the last thing I remember was playing a game with Allie on my phone. At 1 a.m. I woke up with my mom sitting in my bedroom floor. "What are you doing here!?" I was so super confused! Apparently while playing that game, I had a seizure, fell out of the bed and convulsed for over 10 minutes. Alan phoned the doctor in the middle of the night and mom rushed over to help. Alan tried and tried to talk to me and yell for me to snap out of it but mom told him that we would have to wait it out. So FINALLY, an hour later, after a bit tongue, busted lip and a toenail missing in action, I came around but didn't know who anyone was and had no recollection of the night. So, now that all of this has happened, Alan wont let me out of his site and it is driving me NUTS! He is also forcing Gatorade on me every 5 minutes to keep me from getting dehydrated. Not sure which is worse, Alan following me around or having chemo! :) Gotta love a concerned and worried husband. He said after that stunt he was scared to death. Imagine your spouse flopping on the floor like a fish out of water and foaming at the mouth making a screeching, screaming noise. Makes me laugh thinking about it...I guess because I didn't have to see it.
Yesterday at the doctor my counts had dropped once again but I'm still holding on and taking the chemo. I don't want to skip any and I certainly don't want to give up. It seems almost like I live at the doctor. Monday's are spent from noon until 6, Tuesday's are 3 until sometimes 5:30 and Wednesday until 3:30 only to rush Allie to dance by 3:45. So, finally I get a break on Thursday! I feel bad because all of my friends feel like I am pushing them out of my life but I just really don't have time between all of this mess going on and lots of times I just don't feel like it!
Mom continues to bring me good food because she knows I wont go and get it and eat it on my own. The last time she was here she asked me for her glass bowl back from some sweet potatoes she made two weeks earlier and I said, "Well, I think it's in the dishwasher. I'll wash it and get it back to you." I knew good and well it was still in the refrigerator full of sweet potatoes from two weeks ago. :)
To round all of this up, Allie needs me! I need to see her go to kindergarten, talk her through fights with friends, have her first date, get married and have children (if that's what she desires). I haven't been to church in over 5 weeks and it makes me sad. I'm just so exhausted! Please continue to pray. :)
Last week, I think that I slept almost the whole entire week. I felt like I didn't care about anything other than taking a nap. Thankfully that feeling is gone and even with chemo yesterday I am feeling much better. I think all of the fluids and steroids have helped me to get on top of things. Friday night was somewhat of an experience. Alan, Allie, and I met his parents at Shotgun Dan's for dinner. Everything seemed fine but I had a few weird jumpy feelings while we were eating. I got home and went on with my night, playing with the dogs, running around with Allie and making sure to take all of my medication. We got in bed about 11 the last thing I remember was playing a game with Allie on my phone. At 1 a.m. I woke up with my mom sitting in my bedroom floor. "What are you doing here!?" I was so super confused! Apparently while playing that game, I had a seizure, fell out of the bed and convulsed for over 10 minutes. Alan phoned the doctor in the middle of the night and mom rushed over to help. Alan tried and tried to talk to me and yell for me to snap out of it but mom told him that we would have to wait it out. So FINALLY, an hour later, after a bit tongue, busted lip and a toenail missing in action, I came around but didn't know who anyone was and had no recollection of the night. So, now that all of this has happened, Alan wont let me out of his site and it is driving me NUTS! He is also forcing Gatorade on me every 5 minutes to keep me from getting dehydrated. Not sure which is worse, Alan following me around or having chemo! :) Gotta love a concerned and worried husband. He said after that stunt he was scared to death. Imagine your spouse flopping on the floor like a fish out of water and foaming at the mouth making a screeching, screaming noise. Makes me laugh thinking about it...I guess because I didn't have to see it.
Yesterday at the doctor my counts had dropped once again but I'm still holding on and taking the chemo. I don't want to skip any and I certainly don't want to give up. It seems almost like I live at the doctor. Monday's are spent from noon until 6, Tuesday's are 3 until sometimes 5:30 and Wednesday until 3:30 only to rush Allie to dance by 3:45. So, finally I get a break on Thursday! I feel bad because all of my friends feel like I am pushing them out of my life but I just really don't have time between all of this mess going on and lots of times I just don't feel like it!
Mom continues to bring me good food because she knows I wont go and get it and eat it on my own. The last time she was here she asked me for her glass bowl back from some sweet potatoes she made two weeks earlier and I said, "Well, I think it's in the dishwasher. I'll wash it and get it back to you." I knew good and well it was still in the refrigerator full of sweet potatoes from two weeks ago. :)
To round all of this up, Allie needs me! I need to see her go to kindergarten, talk her through fights with friends, have her first date, get married and have children (if that's what she desires). I haven't been to church in over 5 weeks and it makes me sad. I'm just so exhausted! Please continue to pray. :)
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
I Love You!
Well, the good days came...and then the good days went. I have been so proud of myself for adding so many healthy foods to my diet. Even when I don't feel like greens, broccoli or fruit, I force myself to eat it anyway. For the past four weeks I just knew that it was holding my blood counts up allowing me to bounce back from this ugly medicine. Last week when I went my counts took a huge plunge. I was so upset because I thought I was really doing something by eating all of those healthy foods. I kind of got a little depressed because I felt like things were out of my control. So, when I was tested yesterday before my treatment they had taken another dive. I have to go get blood on Thursday because the low counts are causing me to sleep so much and I shiver all the time. Alan and I are going to have a knock down drag out over the thermostat! :) Yesterday the nurse came to me and told me the doctor was going to hold one of my drugs back because of my white blood count. I was sitting and secretly said to myself, "YES, YES, YES!" I went back to the waiting room to wait for a space in the chemo area. As I sat there I got sad because I was skipping something. Something came over me and suddenly I didn't want to miss a medicine. I wanted it so that I knew I was doing everything in my control to stop this nasty disease. I tracked down the doctor in the hallway and begged him to let me do it. "Summer, your counts are too low. Are you sure? If you got around any virus it cold make you very sick". I just looked and him and said, "Please?" So, he agreed and I went for it. I wasn't excited about feeling bad but I didn't want to give up this early!
This is a little crazy and if you aren't a dog lover you can skip right over this part! :) One night right after I started chemo, I went to my dog's room for their nightly visit and treat time. As I was sitting in the floor with Lucy in my lap and petting Charlie with one hand and Zoey with my foot, something came over me. I got so super sad. This may sound ridiculous but I prayed to God that he would take my dogs before taking me. I was so worried that they wouldn't understand where I went and that they would think I left them...dumb, I know. Anyway, three weeks later, my perfectly healthy Charlie died suddenly and the vet said that it was just some freak thing that happens from time to time. I didn't think too much about my prayer because I was too sad to think about anything. Saturday night, Lucy was acting very lethargic and wouldn't eat or drink or hardly move. I sat in there, stinking from dog odor, for over two hours watching her trying to figure out what was wrong. Monday morning things seemed to be worse so Alan took her in. She is in the beginning stage of kidney failure and most likely will die from it. The doctor said we could take a shot in the dark and they could hook her up to fluids for a week and see what happens. So, after thinking about 2 dogs in 4 weeks I suddenly started thinking about my prayer. If this is an answered prayer, I certainly wasn't thinking it was about to happen in a matter of weeks. I was thinking more like several more years. :'(
Valentines Day! It felt like a special day even though I had chemo. I thought a lot about love from all of my family and friends. It's odd, but I have always had this hang up about telling people that I love them. It's like I just don't want to say it. "If I say it first, I will look weak. If I don't say it, what if people never know how i feel?" I have even been known to respond with "Thank you" when someone tells me they love me. LOL. Anyway, since all of this happened, I have found myself telling people how much I love them. I say it in letters, on the phone, in person...whenever...and it feels good. I have turned into a hugger too! Alan and I don't say we love each other every time we leave or every time we go to bed. I told him that I don't want it to be a routine, i want it to come from his heart...not loosely said like hello and goodbye. After all, those words mean so much. So, if you are ever feeling down you can call me and count on me to tell you I love you! Maybe even three or four times! :) :)
As always, thank you for the continued prayers and the many many facebook messages and cards! Love you all (see how easy that was)! I will update next Monday or so after I see the doctor. Hopefully getting blood will help me out some and I can keep on going!
This is a little crazy and if you aren't a dog lover you can skip right over this part! :) One night right after I started chemo, I went to my dog's room for their nightly visit and treat time. As I was sitting in the floor with Lucy in my lap and petting Charlie with one hand and Zoey with my foot, something came over me. I got so super sad. This may sound ridiculous but I prayed to God that he would take my dogs before taking me. I was so worried that they wouldn't understand where I went and that they would think I left them...dumb, I know. Anyway, three weeks later, my perfectly healthy Charlie died suddenly and the vet said that it was just some freak thing that happens from time to time. I didn't think too much about my prayer because I was too sad to think about anything. Saturday night, Lucy was acting very lethargic and wouldn't eat or drink or hardly move. I sat in there, stinking from dog odor, for over two hours watching her trying to figure out what was wrong. Monday morning things seemed to be worse so Alan took her in. She is in the beginning stage of kidney failure and most likely will die from it. The doctor said we could take a shot in the dark and they could hook her up to fluids for a week and see what happens. So, after thinking about 2 dogs in 4 weeks I suddenly started thinking about my prayer. If this is an answered prayer, I certainly wasn't thinking it was about to happen in a matter of weeks. I was thinking more like several more years. :'(
Valentines Day! It felt like a special day even though I had chemo. I thought a lot about love from all of my family and friends. It's odd, but I have always had this hang up about telling people that I love them. It's like I just don't want to say it. "If I say it first, I will look weak. If I don't say it, what if people never know how i feel?" I have even been known to respond with "Thank you" when someone tells me they love me. LOL. Anyway, since all of this happened, I have found myself telling people how much I love them. I say it in letters, on the phone, in person...whenever...and it feels good. I have turned into a hugger too! Alan and I don't say we love each other every time we leave or every time we go to bed. I told him that I don't want it to be a routine, i want it to come from his heart...not loosely said like hello and goodbye. After all, those words mean so much. So, if you are ever feeling down you can call me and count on me to tell you I love you! Maybe even three or four times! :) :)
As always, thank you for the continued prayers and the many many facebook messages and cards! Love you all (see how easy that was)! I will update next Monday or so after I see the doctor. Hopefully getting blood will help me out some and I can keep on going!
Saturday, February 5, 2011
This and That
I walked in the bathroom this morning and looked in the mirror. I stood there for a few seconds and then unplugged my straightening iron and put it in the drawer along with my brush and other hair products. I noticed hair on my shoulders in church last Sunday and since then it has continued to come out. Each day I said to myself that tomorrow would be the day that we would shave it. Tomorrow would come and I would hold on for one more day. Finally, on Friday, I knew that I couldn't hold on any longer. I had done this before but this time it just felt so different. I knew that I would be this way for a long long time and it bothered me. Alan got out the clippers and started cutting it off. Allie wanted to help and she thought it was fun to hold the clippers and do it on her own. We took funny pictures while Alan clipped it into different hairstyles. I had a mullet, then a mohawk, and then bald on top with a rat tail! It was a funny time but it really made me so sad. Since then, every time I pass by the mirror I am startled because it's like I forget that I look this way. It's like expecting to see yourself and then seeing G.I. Jane looking back at you in the mirror. I just keep sitting here thinking about Wednesday and how normal I felt when I went to the grocery store and now I cant go back to that again.
Chemo this week seemed to go easier. I didn't feel very well on Tuesday or Wednesday but it was definitely doable! Ive felt really tired and just kind of achy but I'll take that any day over what I experienced last week. Going in for fluids the day after chemo forces me to get up and get out and I guess in a way that's good. The earlier I can get going, the faster I can get back into the swing of things. I've noticed a couple people doing chemo that have changed so much in a two month period and that scares me so much. I feel ill when I think back three months ago and remember someone walking in and talking and laughing and then last week the same person came in a wheelchair and can hardly move. It's just hard! The Thursday before I went to my second treatment I went out driving because I had nothing to do but didn't want to sit around inside. I went to a few stores and then decided to go to the cemetery. I'm not sure why I did this or why I couldn't get it off of my mind but it is certainly not because I am giving up! I am a planner...I need exact dates and times of everything! If something is unsettled or undone, I drive myself nuts until it is completed. I drove out to where my aunt is buried and just sat there listening to the birds and thinking about life in general. It was so peaceful and quiet. After I got in the car, I drove through some of the cemetery thinking about where I would want to be buried. I called Alan and told him that I wanted to go out and talk to someone there just so I could settle that in my mind. No, I don't think I am about to die but even if its 50 years away, I like to have a plan. He didn't like it too much but I told him if he wasn't going to go with me that I would go by myself! I think this rough time will pass soon. Ive been having crazy dreams about running from people or being trapped and can't scream. Last night someone was trying to keep me and I thought I could get away but had no phone or car keys! That crazy stuff drives me nuts!!
On a happy note...I was surprised with another wonderful gift! Lots of people, some that I do know and some that I don't know, raised money for our family to go to Disney World! Is this really happening!?!? I have always said that I wanted to take Allie when she was 6 or 7 but since this diagnosis, I knew that may not be possible. It was such a huge surprise! A friend walked in with a huge basket full of stuff for Allie. Outfits that were made for her, Disney coloring books, backpack and other kinds of cute Disney stuff. There was a huge card that said, "Dreams can come true..." and it was signed by lots and lots of people. For the past 24 hours I have done nothing but look at Disney World on the internet. Our trip will be planned right away because I have a strict schedule to follow. I am SO excited and Allie is ready to go today! What a great thing to look forward to!
Chemo this week seemed to go easier. I didn't feel very well on Tuesday or Wednesday but it was definitely doable! Ive felt really tired and just kind of achy but I'll take that any day over what I experienced last week. Going in for fluids the day after chemo forces me to get up and get out and I guess in a way that's good. The earlier I can get going, the faster I can get back into the swing of things. I've noticed a couple people doing chemo that have changed so much in a two month period and that scares me so much. I feel ill when I think back three months ago and remember someone walking in and talking and laughing and then last week the same person came in a wheelchair and can hardly move. It's just hard! The Thursday before I went to my second treatment I went out driving because I had nothing to do but didn't want to sit around inside. I went to a few stores and then decided to go to the cemetery. I'm not sure why I did this or why I couldn't get it off of my mind but it is certainly not because I am giving up! I am a planner...I need exact dates and times of everything! If something is unsettled or undone, I drive myself nuts until it is completed. I drove out to where my aunt is buried and just sat there listening to the birds and thinking about life in general. It was so peaceful and quiet. After I got in the car, I drove through some of the cemetery thinking about where I would want to be buried. I called Alan and told him that I wanted to go out and talk to someone there just so I could settle that in my mind. No, I don't think I am about to die but even if its 50 years away, I like to have a plan. He didn't like it too much but I told him if he wasn't going to go with me that I would go by myself! I think this rough time will pass soon. Ive been having crazy dreams about running from people or being trapped and can't scream. Last night someone was trying to keep me and I thought I could get away but had no phone or car keys! That crazy stuff drives me nuts!!
On a happy note...I was surprised with another wonderful gift! Lots of people, some that I do know and some that I don't know, raised money for our family to go to Disney World! Is this really happening!?!? I have always said that I wanted to take Allie when she was 6 or 7 but since this diagnosis, I knew that may not be possible. It was such a huge surprise! A friend walked in with a huge basket full of stuff for Allie. Outfits that were made for her, Disney coloring books, backpack and other kinds of cute Disney stuff. There was a huge card that said, "Dreams can come true..." and it was signed by lots and lots of people. For the past 24 hours I have done nothing but look at Disney World on the internet. Our trip will be planned right away because I have a strict schedule to follow. I am SO excited and Allie is ready to go today! What a great thing to look forward to!
Monday, January 24, 2011
Feeling Like Myself Again
Well, I survived the first week! It was tough and there were a couple of times when I threw myself a pity party and decided that I couldn't do it, but I finally got over the slump and pulled through the rough days. I was pretty sick the entire week and felt like I was constantly taking Tylenol pm or something. Just when I thought that I wasn't going to be able to do it any longer, I woke up today feeling great! Mom came over and cooked some greens (lol) and we put up laundry, talked and played with Allie. I had a doctor appointment at 5 to check my bloodcounts after chemo and to get results from a CT scan that I had on Friday. All of my counts were under normal and if things continue as they usually do they will drop more next week. Last spring when I had a CT scan it came back normal. In October, I had a PET scan and it showed a tumor as well as other cancer cells. The CT scan I had on Friday showed nothing. Obviously the CT doesn't show the same things as the PET scan. It kind of confuses me especially when a surgeon went in a month ago and saw the tumor but it didn't show up on this scan. :( So, that kind of felt like a waste of time but we will keep on keeping on! The last round of chemo my hair fell out about 14 days after the first treatment. It's been 7 and I've given my hair the hard pull test and it's still hanging in there but my eyelashes have started falling out. During chemo last time I had 4 eyelashes left and I put mascara on those four lashes every single morning for 9 months :). Everyone told me to pull them out but I was too proud of them!!
So many of you have written me about the dog eating my breakfast and how funny it was. Let me back up some for those of you that I don't talk to every day. Dogs are my world but for some reason the last two weeks I have had super bad luck with them. Here is the timeline. Thursday, one of our basset hounds unexpectedly passed away. Friday, while coming home from dinner, my car went BUMP BUMP BUMP and Alan and I looked at each other trying to figure out what happened. I wasn't sure if I hit a pot hole or ran into another car or what. The front of my car was completely torn up so we circled the block and got back on North Hills looking for evidence of what could have gone wrong. Off in the distance, we saw a Lab running around. He was fine but I had hit him. So at 9:00 pm it was 30 degrees outside and I am chasing this dog around the neighborhood trying to make sure he is ok. I didn't want him to get away because I wanted to find his owner. I am thinking of course he isn't coming to me, he doesn't know me. I figured, well, most dogs have two syllable names so I'll just call the dog with a two syllable noise and it might come. I followed that darn dog for 30 minutes calling, "Huh Huuuuh...Huh Huuuuuh". Finally I got to the dog and it trusted me enough for me to reach its tag. Of all two syllable great dog names, his name had to be Beau! No wonder he wasn't falling for my call, he probably thought I was a nutcase chasing him around calling him like that. The following night when I went out to feed my two dogs, my other little basset, Lucy, starts convulsing and throws up all over my favorite Toms. So...to top the week off...the other dog eats my breakfast! ;) You win some, you lose some!
So many of you have written me about the dog eating my breakfast and how funny it was. Let me back up some for those of you that I don't talk to every day. Dogs are my world but for some reason the last two weeks I have had super bad luck with them. Here is the timeline. Thursday, one of our basset hounds unexpectedly passed away. Friday, while coming home from dinner, my car went BUMP BUMP BUMP and Alan and I looked at each other trying to figure out what happened. I wasn't sure if I hit a pot hole or ran into another car or what. The front of my car was completely torn up so we circled the block and got back on North Hills looking for evidence of what could have gone wrong. Off in the distance, we saw a Lab running around. He was fine but I had hit him. So at 9:00 pm it was 30 degrees outside and I am chasing this dog around the neighborhood trying to make sure he is ok. I didn't want him to get away because I wanted to find his owner. I am thinking of course he isn't coming to me, he doesn't know me. I figured, well, most dogs have two syllable names so I'll just call the dog with a two syllable noise and it might come. I followed that darn dog for 30 minutes calling, "Huh Huuuuh...Huh Huuuuuh". Finally I got to the dog and it trusted me enough for me to reach its tag. Of all two syllable great dog names, his name had to be Beau! No wonder he wasn't falling for my call, he probably thought I was a nutcase chasing him around calling him like that. The following night when I went out to feed my two dogs, my other little basset, Lucy, starts convulsing and throws up all over my favorite Toms. So...to top the week off...the other dog eats my breakfast! ;) You win some, you lose some!
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