I Love You!

Well, the good days came...and then the good days went. I have been so proud of myself for adding so many healthy foods to my diet. Even when I don't feel like greens, broccoli or fruit, I force myself to eat it anyway. For the past four weeks I just knew that it was holding my blood counts up allowing me to bounce back from this ugly medicine. Last week when I went my counts took a huge plunge. I was so upset because I thought I was really doing something by eating all of those healthy foods. I kind of got a little depressed because I felt like things were out of my control. So, when I was tested yesterday before my treatment they had taken another dive. I have to go get blood on Thursday because the low counts are causing me to sleep so much and I shiver all the time. Alan and I are going to have a knock down drag out over the thermostat! :)  Yesterday the nurse came to me and told me the doctor was going to hold one of my drugs back because of my white blood count. I was sitting and secretly said to myself, "YES, YES, YES!" I went back to the waiting room to wait for a space in the chemo area. As I sat there I got sad because I was skipping something. Something came over me and suddenly I didn't want to miss a medicine. I wanted it so that I knew I was doing everything in my control to stop this nasty disease. I tracked down the doctor in the hallway and begged him to let me do it. "Summer, your counts are too low. Are you sure? If you got around any virus it cold make you very sick". I just looked and him and said, "Please?" So, he agreed and I went for it. I wasn't excited about feeling bad but I didn't want to give up this early!

This is a little crazy and if you aren't a dog lover you can skip right over this part! :) One night right after I started chemo, I went to my dog's room for their nightly visit and treat time. As I was sitting in the floor with Lucy in my lap and petting Charlie with one hand and Zoey with my foot, something came over me. I got so super sad. This may sound ridiculous but I prayed to God that he would take my dogs before taking me. I was so worried that they wouldn't understand where I went and that they would think I left them...dumb, I know. Anyway, three weeks later, my perfectly healthy Charlie died suddenly and the vet said that it was just some freak thing that happens from time to time.  I didn't think too much about my prayer because I was too sad to think about anything. Saturday night, Lucy was acting very lethargic and wouldn't eat or drink or hardly move. I sat in there, stinking from dog odor, for over two hours watching her trying to figure out what was wrong. Monday morning things seemed to be worse so Alan took her in. She is in the beginning stage of kidney failure and most likely will die from it. The doctor said we could take a shot in the dark and they could hook her up to fluids for a week and see what happens. So, after thinking about 2 dogs in 4 weeks I suddenly started thinking about my prayer. If this is an answered prayer, I certainly wasn't thinking it was about to happen in a matter of weeks. I was thinking more like several more years.   :'(

Valentines Day! It felt like a special day even though I had chemo. I thought a lot about love from all of my family and friends. It's odd, but I have always had this hang up about telling people that I love them. It's like I just don't want to say it. "If I say it first, I will look weak. If I don't say it, what if people never know how i feel?" I have even been known to respond with "Thank you" when someone tells me they love me. LOL.  Anyway, since all of this happened, I have found myself telling people how much I love them. I say it in letters, on the phone, in person...whenever...and it feels good. I have turned into a hugger too! Alan and I don't say we love each other every time we leave or every time we go to bed. I told him that I don't want it to be a routine, i want it to come from his heart...not loosely said like hello and goodbye. After all, those words mean so much. So, if you are ever feeling down you can call me and count on me to tell you I love you! Maybe even three or four times!  :) :)

As always, thank you for the continued prayers and the many many facebook messages and cards! Love you all (see how easy that was)! I will update next Monday or so after I see the doctor. Hopefully getting blood will help me out some and I can keep on going!

This and That

I walked in the bathroom this morning and looked in the mirror. I stood there for a few seconds and then unplugged my straightening iron and put it in the drawer along with my brush and other hair products. I noticed hair on my shoulders in church last Sunday and since then it has continued to come out. Each day I said to myself that tomorrow would be the day that we would shave it. Tomorrow would come and I would hold on for one more day. Finally, on Friday, I knew that I couldn't hold on any longer. I had done this before but this time it just felt so different. I knew that I would be this way for a long long time and it bothered me. Alan got out the clippers and started cutting it off. Allie wanted to help and she thought it was fun to hold the clippers and do it on her own. We took funny pictures while Alan clipped it into different hairstyles. I had a mullet, then a mohawk, and then bald on top with a rat tail! It was a funny time but it really made me so sad. Since then, every time I pass by the mirror I am startled because it's like I forget that I look this way. It's like expecting to see yourself and then seeing G.I. Jane looking back at you in the mirror.  I just keep sitting here thinking about Wednesday and how normal I felt when I went to the grocery store and now I cant go back to that again.

Chemo this week seemed to go easier. I didn't feel very well on Tuesday or Wednesday but it was definitely doable! Ive felt really tired and just kind of achy but I'll take that any day over what I experienced last week. Going in for fluids the day after chemo forces me to get up and get out and I guess in a way that's good. The earlier I can get going, the faster I can get back into the swing of things.  I've noticed a couple people doing chemo that have changed so much in a two month period and that scares me so much. I feel ill when I think back three months ago and remember someone walking in and talking and laughing and then last week the same person came in a wheelchair and can hardly move. It's just hard! The Thursday before I went to my second treatment I went out driving because I had nothing to do but didn't want to sit around inside. I went to a few stores and then decided to go to the cemetery. I'm not sure why I did this or why I couldn't get it off of my mind but it is certainly not because I am giving up! I am a planner...I need exact dates and times of everything! If something is unsettled or undone, I drive myself nuts until it is completed. I drove out to where my aunt is buried and just sat there listening to the birds and thinking about life in general. It was so peaceful and quiet. After I got in the car, I drove through some of the cemetery thinking about where I would want to  be buried. I called Alan and told him that I wanted to go out and talk to someone there just so I could settle that in my mind. No, I don't think I am about to die but even if its 50 years away, I like to have a plan. He didn't like it too much but I told him if he wasn't going to go with me that I would go by myself! I think this rough time will pass soon.  Ive been having crazy dreams about running from people or being trapped and can't scream. Last night someone was trying to keep me and I thought I could get away but had no phone or car keys! That crazy stuff drives me nuts!!

On a happy note...I was surprised with another wonderful gift! Lots of people, some that I do know and some that I don't know, raised money for our family to go to Disney World! Is this really happening!?!?  I have always said that I wanted to take Allie when she was 6 or 7 but since this diagnosis, I knew that may not be possible. It was such a huge surprise! A friend walked in with a huge basket full of stuff for Allie. Outfits that were made for her, Disney coloring books, backpack and other kinds of cute Disney stuff. There was a huge card that said, "Dreams can come true..." and it was signed by lots and lots of people. For the past 24 hours I have done nothing but look at Disney World on the internet. Our trip will be planned right away because I have a strict schedule to follow. I am SO excited and Allie is ready to go today!  What a great thing to look forward to!