Decision Time

I had an aunt that passed away in April. She has such an amazing story. She had cerebral palsy and walked only with crutches. Doctors told her she could never carry a child but she married and gave birth to a son. She was told numerous times that she wouldn't make it to her next birthday. She was forced to have one of her legs amputated and was confined to a wheelchair for the rest of her life. With all of that, she was one of the happiest people I have ever met. There wasn't a day in her life that she wasn't in pain but her faith in God and will to survive was an inspiration to everyone. Watching her made me want to be a better person. It took all of this time for me to realize that I don't have to be perfect to be a great person, an amazing mom, wife, daughter, sister and friend.  With that being said, I have decided to have the surgery! I have prayed for the right answer and have prayed for peace to come along with my decision. Yesterday morning I sat in the floor and prayed out loud to God. By the afternoon, I knew that I wanted to have the surgery and I knew that I could adjust to all of the changes that came with the surgery. Mom told me that she didn't care about anything as long as she had my face and my heart here with her. My appointment with the surgeon went really well. I feel like things are finally working out and all of my questions are being answered. We aren't in the clear but for now this is exactly what I have prayed for. The only catch with this is that the doctor will go in and explore the area and all of the surrounding tissue before proceeding. If any of the cancer has spread outside of the pelvic area, the doctor will stitch me back up and the surgery will be called off. If that happens I will have chemo for the rest of my days but there will not be a cure. If the cancer hasn't spread outside of that region, he will do the surgery and I will have an 80% chance of being cured. For now the surgery is scheduled on the 15th of December and I will probably be in the hospital for the rest of the year. I will miss Christmas at home but I have to rejoice in the fact that this may save my life and allow me to have many other holidays to celebrate. We have decided to have Christmas the Sunday before the surgery. Allie doesn't understand dates or the calendar yet so she will be happy as can be. Thank you all so much for continuing to pray.  "Evening, morning, and noon I cry out in distress, and He hears my voice."  (Psalms 55:17)   I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving...I know that I have so much to be thankful for! :)

Keep On Keeping On

We made it back from Houston and I was so happy to get back to my bed and my doggies.  We spent our last day shopping while Alan worked. I kind of got bummed on the way back because I felt like the whole trip was a total waste. I had one option that was ridiculous to me and another option that would not cure me. In the back of my mind I was still a little relieved that I had one more appointment on Friday. It kept me upbeat because I knew that I would have another opinion to look forward to. Mom, Alan and Allie joined me for the doctor visit on Friday. He came in and hugged us all and apologized to us for not preparing us for what MD Anderson was going to suggest. He looked me in the eyes and said that he was so sorry but the best way out of this would be the surgery. On top of that, it still isn't a guarantee to be done with all of this.  I know many of you are thinking, "Uh...Why wouldn't you do the surgery if that is your best chance at being cured?" The surgery would change our lives forever. There will be months and months of recovery and the risk of infection is great. Physically and emotionally the surgery will be hard to adjust to. My other option is to try chemo and see if the tumor can shrink and then try a smaller surgery and see what happens. The doctor explained that for a tumor the size of a bean to form, millions of cancer cells are present. Hundreds to thousands of cells can exist and not show up on a scan. For this tumor to have formed, lots of the cancer cells were not killed through all of the radiation and 7 months of chemo that I did. Those that don't die continue to multiply. For that reason, chemo will probably do nothing to the older cells that withstood the last round. If they are all cut out and the new ones are killed with another round of chemo it would be great. But, there is no way to tell if every cell will be taken out without doing the drastic surgery.  We made an appointment at UAMS to talk with a surgeon on Wednesday. He will give us our options as far as surgery goes. This is my last chance...I guess the final word. The doctor on Friday said that if I didn't have surgery scheduled, he expected me in his office next Monday morning to start chemo. This decision is huge! I feel one way then another way and then back to not knowing what I am doing. I have a short time to figure it out and then I guess there is no turning back. I pray for peace to come with the decision that I make. No one can decide for me and I think that is the hardest part so far.

Tired In Texas

Wow...I don't even know where to start. Today definitely didn't go the way I wanted it to. We were up bright and early this morning. We went downstairs at 7:30 and had coffee while waiting for the shuttle to the hospital. There were many people in the lobby that were also going to MD Anderson. For some reason, I went right up to this lady and just started chatting with her and asked her to kind of show me where I needed to go once I got to the hospital. We knew each other for about 30 minutes and when we parted ways in the lobby of the hospital, her eyes watered up as she wished me luck. It was a feeling that I had never before experienced. Once we figured out where we were supposed to go, we waited for what seemed like forever. Mom and I read and Alan worked. Finally about three hours later they called me back. They did an exam and also did a biopsy. After the exam, we all went into a conference room and waited for the doctor to come in and talk to us. Then came the hard part. I don't even know how to say this. The doctor said that if I was eligible for this certain kind of surgery and it worked, I would be cured. Since my cancer had also invaded my ovaries, I may not be a candidate for it. The surgery is very complicated and is life changing. She explained to me that the only way for me to be well would be to take out tissue and organs including my bladder and colon. After that extensive surgery, I would have to have reconstructive surgery. There are many risks and complications associated with the procedures. The other option is chemo only. My doctor explained that doing chemo alone would only help me live a little longer but would not be a cure. Right now I know for sure that the surgery is not an option for me. Alan called my doctor back in Little Rock and we are going to see him at the end of the week. Alan wants to see someone else to see if there is anything that anyone else can offer. We didn't get back to the hotel until after 5 tonight. As we were waiting for the shuttle I started thinking about things from the past. I was just thinking how a year ago I was talking with my sister about getting old. We both agreed that we didn't want wrinkles and didn't want to start wearing nerdy clothes.  After all of this, I would happily welcome 100 new wrinkles and I would be ecstatic to sport around in my elastic waist jeans pulled up to my collar bone. :)

Sorry for the typos or if I ramble a little...It's been a LONG and exhausting day. I'll continue after I see another doctor on Friday.  Please continue to pray for us during this difficult time.

Finally...I Can Breathe

I am so sorry that it has taken me so long to update. The day started off great! A lady from my insurance company called to tell me that they would cover MD Anderson! It was such a relief. I was in Panera with my mom eating lunch and I could hardly eat because I was so excited! After the good news I was feeling all happy with myself. My appointment with the doctor was at 12:30 and we waited and waited and waited. I couldn't decide if I wanted to scream or cry or laugh because I was so tired of sitting waiting for my name to be called. The nurse finally called us back about 2:45 and we had to go through the normal routine of pointless chit chat. Finally I stopped her and said, "I can't wait any longer! Please, please get the doctor and tell me the results of my scan!" About 3 hours after my appointment time, the doctor finally gave us the news. The cancer hasn't spread to any of my other organs. This is what we have all prayed for. I knew that the cancer had returned but we weren't sure if it had spread. The doctor said that the cancer has formed into a mass but the pet scan was unable to determine the size of it. So....even though this is awful, it's the best that I could have wished for. We are going to Houston Monday and will be gone for the week. It's going to be busy but I am anxious to get there and get started. We've planned a little shopping trip and a couple of restaurants that I would like to try if I feel up to it. I figured we could make the best out of a bad situation. I'm looking forward to the week ahead. Allie is going with us so we can all be together and we got a house sitter to take care of things here. Hopefully I wont think of anything else to worry about between now and then.  Thank you all so much for praying!

Fa la la la laaaa

I heard Alan coming down the stairs... "WHAT? Are you kidding me!? Summer...for real!!??" Yep, I decided to put the Christmas tree up on November 6th, three weeks before Thanksgiving. It just makes me feel good to see all the Christmas stuff and look through all of the ornaments. Alan seriously thinks I've lost my mind. He told me to take my tree out to the dog's room and let them enjoy it until a week before Christmas and then I could drag it back in. It really is way too early but it's helping to keep my mind off of things! So...we made it to the doctor on Friday. Alan got stuck in the waiting room talking to a lady that was 81 and she was going on and on about Peggy and Susie and Maxine and blah blah blah. I was filling out paperwork and Alan interrupted me and said, "Here, I'll take that up there and finish it for you."  I looked at him and smiled and told him that I was doing just fine and he could sit and chat with his new friend. I think he wanted to trip me after that. The doctor talked to us for about 30 minutes. He said they've tried everything and my body isn't responding the way that it should. Apparently what is happening is rare and the doctor said we should start praying for miracles.  :(  He feels 100 percent that MD Anderson is where I need to go. So, they are going to try and work on insurance and see if they will cover it because I have been to 5 doctors in Arkansas and nothing is working. If they cover it, that will be wonderful. If not, we are going anyway!! I am doing my scan on Wednesday at 7:30 in the morning and I have an appointment to get the results on Thursday at 12:30.  Our prayer is that the scan will show little or no cancer outside of the initial place it was detected.  My appointment in Houston will be 1 to 2 weeks away and Ill probably get the appointment date and time when I go in Thursday. I don't know if i am in denial or what because I am still feeling ok about things. The mornings are the worst but after the initial shock of knowing that I'm not dreaming, my mind starts to slowly calm down. Hopefully when I write on Thursday I'll feel much better. :)

Moving Forward

I love the look on Allie's face when she sees my eyes pop open for the first time in the morning. It's like me opening my eyes is the most exciting thing she has ever seen. Today I was anxious to get her off to Mother's Day Out so that I could begin my list of phone calls. Things didn't go exactly as planned. Yesterday I found out that my insurance company wouldn't cover Cancer Treatment Centers of America in Chicago.  I was a little bummed but quickly got over it because I had a few back up plans.  Alan spoke to my doctor and he said that MD Anderson in Houston was definitely where I needed to be. He told Alan that he didn't believe there was anything else that the doctors in Arkansas could do for me.  After talking to the insurance company again this morning, I was told that they would not cover MD Anderson either. We would be responsible for 50 percent of everything out of state. Obviously that isn't even an option for us. It would be hundreds of thousands of dollars. We have decided that I am going to switch to a different doctor in Little Rock and maybe when I can get on Alan's work insurance, we may have more options. Right now we don't have any other choice. The new doctor told us that as soon as I could gather all of my files from the other doctors that he would fit me in the same day. Tomorrow we will be traveling to UAMS, Baptist in NLR, Carti and about 5 billion other places that have files with my name on them. If we can get that done, I can be seen and have a scan!  It looks like I may have an appointment Friday or Monday at the latest. On another note, I have received SO many emails, texts, and facebook messages. Everyone has been super supportive. At church on Wednesday our class made a circle around me, held one another and said a special prayer. Everyone cried but it was a good cry...like one that everyone needs to have every once in a while.  :) I'll continue when I get scan results.

Past, Present, Future

Well, after telling the same story a billion times, I decided that I would create a blog. I am inviting you all to be a part of the journey ahead. Most of you know that I found out that I had cervical cancer in 2007 after Allie Anne was born. Well, it has been a long 3 years of tests, surgeries, chemo and radiation. I was diagnosed at stage IV and finished my chemo in January of this year. In the following months, I had numerous follow ups and a body scan in March. All of my tests came back clear and my body scans showed no sign of cancer anywhere. My hair is starting to grow and I am feeling normal again! Alan and I started the adoption process and were so happy thinking about having an addition to our family. I went in for a routine follow up last week and was feeling all happy about myself and about my new doctor. The doctor said that he would have his nurse call me either way with my results. So, Monday I finally got the call...only it wasn't the nurse, it was my doctor. I knew right away that something wasn't right. So, long story short, I have cancer again. He said that there was no way to tell if this is new or something that was left behind and is just now showing up.  He said that when this type of cancer comes back it normally comes back worse (Not sure how it gets worse than stage IV :) ).  He is sending me to a place in Houston, TX for treatment. Today I have been waiting for phone calls from different doctors trying to make sense of all of this and trying to figure out the next steps. I have a body scan set up for Wednesday to give us a better idea of what we are dealing with. Hopefully in the next day I will have a definite plan of what lies ahead. I talked with Cancer Treatment Centers of America earlier today and that is also a possibility. They can fly Alan and I up to Chicago for 5 days to talk to doctors and see what all they have to offer, so it is definitely a possibility too. Either way, I will be flying out for chemo, staying a couple of days, and then returning home right after. Not sure how many months that will last. I don't have much to go on right now. I do know that I am scared to death!! I was fine when I found out, but today I woke up feeling like I had lost my best friend or something. I breezed through it the first time so hopefully I can do it again. I will keep you all posted with new news and our plan for treatment.